80s songs & dealing with disappointment

Join me for the third episode of Positively Chill!  Each week we go on a musical journey - exploring impactful lyrics, mental health insights, and strategies for a positive mindset. In this episode, I discuss more of my favorite feel-good songs and how these songs relate to introverts, disappointment & failure and exercise for mental health. Listen to me try to tie in all these themes to music :) Hope you will listen and chill out.

80s-themed song list:
Who Can It Be Now by Men at Work,
Maneater by Hall & Oates,
Never Gonna Give You Up by Rick Astley

Say hi on Instagram @positively_chill

Transcript

Welcome to the Positively Chill podcast. I’m Danielle. Thank you for joining me. If you are new to Positively Chill, well all of you are new because it’s a new podcast - but if you are listening to your first episode, I talk a little bit about nothing (like music) and a little bit of everything (like mental health). I hope it helps you unwind and soak up some good vibes. 

So, episode 3, hell yes. I’m doing it. “We’re really doing it Harry.” That was a Dumb & Dumber reference and I am actually surprised I haven’t quoted more of that movie until now. I am in episode 3 and it has only now come up. Amazing.

So this is a Positivity Playlist episode. I am not sure how I am structuring this podcast. Originally I thought the music episodes, these Positivity Playlist episodes, would be one of many formats. But right now, I’m really diggin’ it, so I am just going to keep on keeping on. For the Positivity Playlist episodes, I pick a few feel-good songs and just talk about them. And I try to relate them, in some way, to mental health. Sometimes it’s a stretch but ya know, we can’t all be Oprah. The songs I picked for this episode are all 80s songs and also, not that deep. They are all really on-the-nose if you listen to the lyrics. So I am going to have to really do some mental gymnastics here to tie these songs into anything of substance. So bear with me. Without further adu…

First song, Men at Work, "Who Can It Be Now."

Before I even get into this song, I misremembered that this was the song that George Kasantza, from Seinfeld, uses as his voicemail message. Remember that? He changes the lyrics to a song and sings it on this outgoing voice message? I would have bet $100 that this was the song he changed the lyrics to, for some reason. And then as I was preparing for this episode, I went to good ol’ Youtube and found the clip. And the song is Great American Hero. “Believe it or not, I am not home. Where could I be?” Not Men at Work. My memory is lying to me. If you’re looking for someone to join your Seinfeld trivia night group, you’re outta luck here. Also, I have done more singing on this podcast then I would like, so cut it out.

Anyway, Who Can It Be Now - there is someone knocking on this dude’s door and he is straight-up scared - serious door-knocking paranoia. Remember the time before everyone had Ring doorbells and someone would ring your doorbell at night and sheer terror would run through your body? Pants-crappingly terrifying. Pants-crapping terrifying. I don’t know what I am trying to say here. Anyway, you had no clue what was waiting for you on the other side of the door. It could be a delivery, it could be your neighbor coming to tell you your dog is running down the street again, it could be a serial killer. When I was little, 8-9 years old, I used to watch Unsolved Mysteries, which if you’re not familiar, is exactly what it sounds like. It was a show about unsolved mysteries, mostly kidnapping or murders. It was the precursor to all the true-crime podcasts and docs. And in my childhood home, which was a split level, the family room was on the bottom. You would enter the home, walk up the stairs to the living room, dining room and kitchen, and then off the kitchen were stairs down to the family room. So it was a cozy little room, and there were glass French doors that lead to the backyard. And I would be terrified that someone was at that door, and I couldn’t actually see out because it was dark outside and light inside. Traumatic. I thought someone was going to bust through those doors at any moment. I have such a clear memory of watching that show, alone… for some reason. Alone, I guess because I was a latchkey kid. Is that a phrase anymore? I remember hearing it a lot in reference to kids growing up in the 90s (well, I guess it applied to kids before that too, but that is just when I remember hearing it). Where did that term come from? 

The term refers to the latchkey of a door to a house or apartment. The key is often strung around the child's neck or left hidden under a mat (or some other object) at the rear door to the property. The term seems to first appear in a CBC Radio program called "Discussion Club – Topic: How War Affects Canadian Children" in 1942 due to the phenomenon of children being left home alone during WWII.

Interesting. Now you know that. Ok, so I would watch these horrific, age-inappropriate stories about kids being killed and abducted, and ya know what, it occurs to me now that I do actually know where my anxiety is rooted. It all started with Unsolved Mysteries. 

Next song, "Maneater" by Hall & Oates.

Good song. Great song. So, I am trying to come up with some funny quip about being a maneater, but I am not. I don’t know… how… to joke about this. Ok, I give up. No funny quips now. I would say that I am an introverted person. I recharge alone, my cup isn’t filled based on social interactions. A lot of times social interaction drains me. But even though I am introverted, I think that people who meet me would say I am extroverted because part of my job, at one point, was working in sales and had to do a lot of cold interactions, people that I have never talked to before or met before - which is the most terrifying kind of interaction. Because I had to do that for my job, I think I learned how to work through the anxiety and kind of “turn it on” - almost like an actor would, pretending to be this confident sales person. So I think that carries over now to all of my social interactions. Even friends would say that I am extroverted. I was just having this conversation with some of my closest friends recently, people that have known me since I was 10 years old, and we were talking about how each one of us has historically had partners who were the opposite of us - like an introvert picks an extrovert and vice versa. And my friend said “you’re extroverted and always picked introverted people” to which I was… surprised. So it got me thinking about how I am being perceived as an extrovert when I feel and identify as an introvert. The way that I have battled through - and I am not saying that introverts need to battle through anything or change in any way, I am not saying that because we are who we are. I am not saying intervertism (intervertment) is bad. What is the word? For those who are introverts and struggle with social anxiety, here is what works for me. I am not an expert on intervertment (intervertism - what did we decide here?), clearly not an expert on language either. Anyway, I would say, what’s worked for me - and this really only works in a one-on-one or one-on-few situation, small group situation, and it really only works in a place that is relatively quiet. This won’t really work at a bar or a concert or anywhere like that. Also if you are out at a bar and you’ve been drinking, this is going to be a little hard to do after a few drinks. But this is what I used to do when I would go to sales meetings. When the person was talking, I would hang on every single word the person was saying. And I would, without being weird because this can be weird, try to look at their mouth. Don’t stare at their mouth because that can be creepy and also send the wrong message in some cases. As much as you can, focus on the movement of their mouth, even if it’s just peripherally. If they say “um” “like” “I mean” - those transition words that we all say now - clock it. I am not making any judgments; if you heard the unedited version of this podcast, every other word is UM. Make a mental note of it. Tick it off in your mind. Have your brain do some sort of activity that isn’t going to take away attention from the conversation but you want your brain to do something. Every time the person says “um” I would flag it in my head. Not to necessarily count it or keep track, but it will give your brain an activity to do. If they use an interesting word that isn’t in your normal vocabulary, flag it. And what seems to happen, at least for me, because my brain has something else to do, I am not overthinking, and if I am not overthinking then I am not getting anxious. It is also great in conversation because you are retaining what the other person is saying and that makes for great conversation. But the most important part is giving your brain something to do so you won’t overthink and then become anxious. And for me, even if I was so nervous or anxious about a conversation at the beginning, once I get into that conversational flow, then my brain knows “we are not in fight or flight, we got this, we can do this. This person is not a threat, so chill. Don’t shut down, come back, be normal.” So I think getting through the initial, maybe, 5 minutes of a conversation, if you can do that then you can start to calm down. Your brain can calm down, your nervous system can calm down, even if you are still nervous, anxious or uncomfortable. There is a difference between being nervous, anxious and uncomfortable and being in flight-or-flight. There are neurological and chemical and physiological things that happen in flight-or-flight that make it impossible for our brains to work properly. Ya know, our heart rate is elevated, our cholesterol is elevated - cholesterol? Cortisol. Cortisol is elevated. Geez, I am struggling today. Mixing mah words. Speaking of that, just to go off on a tangent for a minute, I was having a conversation with someone yesterday and I was talking about Leonardo di Vinci but I said Leonardo di Caprio. I was like “yea, did you know he invented scuba gear and also the early helicopter?” and the person I was talking to said “leonardo di caprio?” and I was “yea” - I doubled down. And then I said “he was also a dentist” And this person must have thought that I hit my head. She was so confused, bless her heart. And then, very politely, as if she was talking to a child, she said “Leonardo di Caprio, the actor?” Ohhh, yea, my bad. Signals crossed in my brain. Cortisol is elevated in fight or flight, as we know it makes it harder to sustain or even initiate a conversation. I guess what I am referring to is social anxiety - you’re anxious, you’re uncomfortable, you’re nervous - and not in fight or flight. That’d be an interesting episode to do, fight or flight. One thing I do know, just… from therapy, is that movement does help us pull ourselves out of fight or flight. So if you’re in a situation where you know that is going to happen - or even that you’re going to have your run-of-the-mill social anxiety - and you have some control over it (the logistics of the event), add movement. Let’s say you’re going on a first date and you are a nervous wreck, suggest a coffee and a walk - something where your body is moving, which will regulate your breathing, reduce your muscle tension, and ultimately just distract your brain from the stress.

So I just went on that whole rant about introvertism - yep, I am sticking with introvertism- and somehow how it relates to being a maneater? It doesn’t. You can be a maneater if you are introverted, extroverted, doesn’t matter. Disregard everything I just said. Well, don’t disregard but yaknow. There was kinda some good info in there. But know that it doesn’t apply to maneating. Go be a man-eating (or women-eating or nonbinary-eating), introverted, boss. Go be a person-eating, introverted, boss.

Also, very random, but if you’re looking for a good cover of this song, check out Phillip Phillips on Youtube. I didn’t know who he was but he won American Idol at one point. Anyway, he does a great, acoustic cover of that song.

Last song, "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley.

No, nope, I am not gonna sign it. I am sparing you. “Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna say a lie and hurt you.” Those some biggg promises, my dude. Never gonna make you cry? Never gonna hurt you? Not buyin’ it. Isn’t that part of the agreement when we sign up for a relationship? Is it even possible to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t hurt you? I mean, obviously we don’t want someone who would intentionally hurt us, but getting unintentionally hurt is just part of being an adult, a human. Being disappointed is part of being an adult.

The interesting thing about disappointment, at least when it’s directed at other people, is that it’s based on our own expectations of the person. While many other emotions are triggered by external factors, disappointment is unique and comes when reality fails to meet the expectations we've set. This makes it a very personal emotion, shaped not just by what others do, but by what we hoped or believed they would do. Or if we are disappointed in ourselves, it can be a powerful motivator for personal growth and self-reflection, but it can also kick our ass, right? We need to remind ourselves to ask, were the expectations imposed on you by someone else? Were they attainable? Or were they never something that was going to come to fruition? Were you trying to grow roses in a parking lot? Were you trying to squeeze 10lbs of shit in 5lb bag? Were you trying to catch the wind in a net ? Were you chasing rainbows? Or better yet, were you chasing waterfalls? Great song. I should add that to one of the next playlists. Ok, so back to the question… if the expectations were too high, not realistic or attainable, is it reasonable to then be disappointed by the outcome? What about when we’ve done all we can do, done our best, and still doesn’t work out? Can we not be disappointed and proud at the same time? I just asked a ton of rhetorical questions and didn’t really provide any answers. All these questions are starting to feel like a mystery novel. But hopefully that was some food-for-thought.

Disappointment can look different for everyone too. Acute disappointment, like a reaction to a person or event, feels very different than chronic disappointment, something that compounded over time and feels life-changing. Chronic disappointment can be something like, “my life isn’t what I thought it would be. How did I get here?” And that can weigh you down, sit on you, drown you. But the question is, whether it’s acute or chronic, have I actually been facing it head on? The faster we can get to the acceptance of ourselves and the situation, the quicker we can exit the cycle of pain around it. I realize that is easier said than done.

Disappointment and fear are so closely linked. Disappointment and fear are like best buds, hanging out in the back of our minds, spooking us every time our plans don’t quite work out the way we thought they would. They’re like peanut butter and jelly (my emotional support sandwich), Pinky and the Brain (great show), Abbott & Castello, Paris Hilton and that little dog she carries around. You get it.

Sometimes we are afraid to fail simply because we don’t do it enough. We don’t know how it feels to fail. And in our mind, the feeling of failure is worse than reality. So actually failing more will make us less afraid to fail, because the pain will be familiar and we will know we can handle it.

If you have ever done any personal training or weight training, you may hear this a lot. Trainers and coaches will say “if you’re not struggling, you don’t have enough weight on.” That’s a great metaphor. If things are too easy and we are coasting, we don’t have the risk of failure but we also don’t have the potential for growth. Weight training and muscle building is about creating microtears in the muscle so they can rebuild stronger. We don’t want intense tears in the muscle because that will hurt too much, that will prevent us from being able to train in the short term, and it could make us afraid to train in the long term. But since you’re not aware of these microtears - and the rebuilding of muscle happens subconsciously - we keep going. And then we get stronger. 

So how can we reframe success, failures and disappointments? So let’s go back to the training metaphor. If I am looking around the gym and see people lifting a lot more than me, running faster than me, doing more reps without stopping - it’s easy to see this as a failure and become frustrated. But if I can say to myself, I am going to level-up on weight, just for this one set, and see if I can do it. And I don’t have to complete the set at the heavier weight, I am just going to start the set at the heavier weight. And that’s a success. I am not disappointed in myself for not completing the set at the heavier weight, I am celebrating that I did it at all. I did half a set with 15lbs+. And that feels good. Dopamine gets triggered. And even when we don’t finish the set, we are getting stronger. And maybe next time we finish the set. And that’s a great metaphor for anything. You may not nail your work presentation or get the new job or XYZ, but the practice of going through it has made you stronger, and hopefully that will make you more resilient and less disappointed. 

Also, others around you can see how hard you are working. To go back to the training metaphor, I was leaving the gym the other day and this guy said to me, just in passing, that he was impressed. And that made me feel really good. And not that you need external affirmation or praise to feel good - not at all - but, my point is, just remember that others are watching and noticing - and maybe they are inspired by you taking the swing, pushing yourself harder and trying to improve. 

I bet you didn’t think I’d get from Rick Astley to weight training, did ya? Well, I did. Maybe it didn’t make sense, but I’m here, at the end. So, that’s the episode. If you like it, please subscribe. Also, you can follow me on Instagram at @postively_chill.

Remember, be kind to yourself. Show yourself the same grace you show the people you love. And remember, you can do hard things. And, of course, please stay chill.