Female rockers, vulnerability & authenticity

Join me for the 5th episode of Positively Chill! Each week we go on a musical journey - exploring impactful lyrics, mental health insights, and strategies for a positive mindset. In this episode, I discuss more of my favorite feel-good songs by badass female rockers and how these songs relate to vulnerability and authenticity. Listen to me try to tie in all these themes to music :) Hope you will listen and chill out.

Songs in this episode:
Hand In Pocket by Alanis Morissette,
I Dare You by The Regrettes,
Alone  by Heart

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Transcript

Welcome to the Positively Chill podcast. I’m Danielle. Thank you for joining me. If you are new to Positively Chill, well all of you are new because it’s a new podcast - but if you are listening to your first episode, each episode I explore impactful lyrics, mental health insights, and strategies for a positive mindset. I hope it helps you unwind and soak up some good vibes. 

This episode’s theme - I’m very excited- is female baddies. Bad-ass songwriters, singers, musicians, etc. So the way this works is I pick some songs and talk about the lyrics, and then I do some mental gymnastics to tie it to mental health. Will she be able to do it, folks? Stay tuned and find out.

Song 1: Hand In Pocket, Alanis Morissette
Ultimate female rock baddie. OG female baddie. Great songwriter. Her album, Jagged Little Pill, was so transformative for a lot of women. And it still holds up almost 30 years later. I re-listened to the whole album in prep for this episode and, the lyrics, the sound, the tone, the energy, the messages from her songs still hold up. It’s quite amazing. My favorite song from the album is You Oughta Know. The best break-up, the best fuck-off song. Name me a better one. I’ll wait. Actually I won’t. I will hear no other reasoning at this time. But You Oughta Know seemed a little too edgy to be a pick-me-up song, although to me it’s a pick-me-up song. But I wanted something a little more upbeat for this episode, hence Hand In Pocket. At the time, there weren’t other female artists writing like that, writing provocative, angry, open, real lyrics like that. A lot of artists write about being sad after a break-up, crying in the shower, eating ice cream on the couch. And hey, that’s real too. We have all been there, some of us eating the ice cream in the shower. Speaking from personal experience? Who’s to say? Actually if it was me, I’d be mac & cheese in the shower. … I’d love to be a songwriter and just have that creative outlet to rail after a heartbreak. I love the energy from that song.

Side note, Alanis… very cool name. You don’t hear a lot of people named Alanis. I would have thought she would have started a name revolution or trend, but I have yet to meet an Alanis. Anyway, her story is very inspiring because she was found via Star Search - or maybe not found but performed on Star Search - and meant to be a pop star; she put out two pop-dance songs but then she wanted to be true to herself. She wanted to write songs about what she was going through, about real emotions. She wanted to be raw and real and authentic (we will talk about that later). She didn’t want to conform and she wanted to be her own person, her own artist. And she had to fight for it. 

Hand In Pocket is about the duality of humans. The lyrics are: broke but happy, poor but kind, high but grounded, lost but hopeful. We can be all those things at once. We have layers, like an onion, as we learned from Shrek. Some of you are like “what the F is she talking about?” Shrek fans out there? Anyone? … Anyway, duality. As humans, we have the ability to hold conflicting emotions at the same time. We can love and hate at the same time, sometimes - maybe - even towards the same person or event. We can express greed and envy while also feeling happy for someone else’s fortunes. I think this happens a lot where someone else achieves something you want or gets something you want, and you can be happy for them but still be envious. This is called ambivalence, but I think most people conflate it with indifference, or at least I hear people using those words interchangeably. Ambivalence is defined as simultaneous and contradictory attitudes or feelings (such as attraction and repulsion) toward an object, person, or action. Indifference is defined as a lack of interest, concern, or sympathy towards someone or something. It implies an absence of strong feelings, either positive or negative, and can manifest as apathy or disinterest. Thank you, Merriam-Webster. 

In Social Psychology, there is something called “the power of the situation” which means that situations play a big part in our ambivalence. Have you ever had the experience where you meet someone and, let’s say you meet them in a group setting, and you have a completely different experience with the same person when you are alone with them? Sort of like emotional whiplash. For folks with social anxiety, group settings can be tough and, in my experience, people in those situations are quiet and reserved, but if you get them one-on-one then they are more open, more engaged - which makes sense given what’s happening. I also feel like one-on-one, I find it easier to communicate and expose my true personality. But other people are different. When they get into group settings, they turn it on. It’s like a performance. I have a friend who is very, very funny, and loves to be the center of attention, and I can literally see a shift in his body language when more people come around. It’s like a dancer getting ready to pirouette or a diver getting ready to dive. He will start to turn it on and get ready to perform and entertain. And he gets high off that feeling of making people laugh. But if you talk to him one-on-one… well he is still pretty gregarious and outgoing, but a bit calmer, more introspective. It doesn’t mean that both of those things aren’t part of his personality. He has just learned when to turn it on… or turn it up and when to turn it down.

Another lyric that I love and is so very true, “And what it all boils down to is that no one’s really got it figured out just yet.” That’s just so true.

One last note about Alanis. Not sure if everyone is aware, if this is common knowledge or not, but her drummer, early days drummer for 2 years, was Taylor Hawkins, the amazing Taylor Hawkins from Foo Fighters. He didn’t play on the “Jagged Little Pill” album but he played on the “Jagged Little Pill” tour. Factoid for ya.

Song 2: “I Dare You” by The Regrettes

I don't think this is a very well known band, The Regrettes. They are an all-female group - actually, there are 3 women and 1 man. I corrected myself. They are an American punk band from LA. This song, I Dare You, is a love song, I suppose. The lyrics that I love are “I can’t seem to sleep, and I feel my pulse beating and I wanna keep all my control but you’re the one that brings the sun.” I think most people feel this way in a new relationship where you want to be open and vulnerable and maybe even fall in love, but you also want to protect yourself. Bearing your soul without any guarantees, open yourself to criticism, saying “I love you” first  - these things can be utterly terrifying. And the thing about vulnerability is that there are two conflicting things happening at the same time. We are being afraid and also courageous at the same time.

We wear armor to protect ourselves when we are vulnerable - this armor can take different forms and shapes. It can be perfectionism (talked about that last episode), numbing, foreboding joy, cynicism, people-pleasing. So I think we all know about perfectionism as armor. I am definitely guilty of this one. For example, in the workplace, our armor could be being an expert in our field or on a specific topic and striving to be perfect to avoid criticism and judgment. And for a lot of people who use perfectionism as armor, receiving criticism can be debilitating. It’s like our worst fear. And it takes a lot of work to work through that and not take things personally… and be vulnerable about making mistakes. I definitely suffer from this. Numbing is using substances, food, or activities to avoid facing emotional pain. We all have probably been guilty of this at some point or another. 

Foreboding Joy is expecting bad things to happen when experiencing joy, to protect against disappointment. This is a doozy, and for me, this is closely linked with anxiety. Similarly, cynicism is adopting a cynical outlook to avoid vulnerability by dismissing the value of connections or experiences. Also tied to anxiety, at least for me. In some cases, foreboding joy and cynicism can be healthy and part of self-awareness, but a lot of the time we spiral in these feelings. So, how do we combat this?

Well, first, practice empathy. Identifying the emotions, naming those emotions, sharing it with others to create a sense of connection and reduce those negative thoughts. There is a phenomenon in psychology called “The Empathy Gap” which can apply to other people but it also applies internally, meaning when we have no empathy for our future self. When I first heard about this, it sort of blew my mind because I thought, how many times have I struggled to make decisions that benefit my future self because it is difficult empathizing with my future needs and experiences? This also can apply to things like saving money for retirement, dieting, exercising or maintaining healthy habits; we just can’t visualize what our future needs are and practice empathy towards ourselves. 

In addition to practicing empathy both internally and externally, practice gratitude. It will help shift our focus from what is wrong or lacking to what is good and present in our lives. Acknowledging and appreciating the good moments without anticipating that they will be taken away. There are so many studies about how practicing gratitude not only promotes positive emotions and overall life satisfaction, but it also makes you more likely to help others, even when it involves a cost to yourself. Even writing weekly gratitudes can help, and they don’t have to be big, profound things. It can be “I am grateful that the grocery store wasn’t out of my favorite oat milk” - for you oat milkers… milkers? You know what I mean. Or “I am grateful for my body which allows me to exercise or even walk the dog.” It can be anything. And there are also studies on how gratitude helps with post-traumatic growth, which suggests that gratitude may play a role in promoting resilience. So it can really shift our mindset, in a very easy, manageable way that is not disruptive to our lives or requires a big lift.

To get back on track with vulnerability, we have to remember that with vulnerability comes boundaries, the need for boundaries. We have to think about who we are being vulnerable with, when we are being vulnerable, how we are being vulnerable. Are we being vulnerable with a coworker in order to make progress on a project or task - for example, going to a coworker or a boss and saying “I am overwhelmed. I am in over my head. I need help.” That’s an appropriate vulnerability, but if you are being vulnerable about your personal life and working shit out, work may not be the place to do that. There is a boundary there. But if you are talking to a significant other, family member, friend, religious leader, someone you trust, then those boundaries may be more blurry but still need to be there. It’s a balance - you want to be open, you want to earn someone’s trust, you want to be authentic, but you still want some privacy, some control over what you share. Control, back to the lyrics of this song. An interesting way to create a boundary - this might sound very formal but reword it as you see fit, just take the sentiment here - is to say, “here is what I am going through. Here is how it feels (to whatever extent you’re willing to share that). I appreciate your support, I need your support, and what that will look like is, when I am ready, I will come to you when I need your support and help.” Or it’s just “here is what support looks like for me.” This is great in a work situation - or any situation where you are trying to share less or retain privacy in some way- when you may not be willing to or want to share a lot of personal details of your life. For me, professionally, I don’t share a lot of my personal life because I am a consultant and work for multiple clients at any given time, and it’s easier for me to remain private and open up less, show less of my personality, because I am trying to remain professional. Obviously you can share and be personal without being cold or distant. These are very different things, right?

Even with a friend, this may also be true. Let’s say you’re having an issue with your significant other and you don’t want to tell a friend the details because s/he may judge your significant other. It’s hard to unhear information once it’s been said and so you want to protect your significant other, so you don’t give out details of the issue. Vulnerability brings connection and intimacy with someone because you’re opening up, it’s a safe space, you trust that person. And so a connection is formed. When people are not willing to be vulnerable or hesitant, the other might think “maybe I am not as close to this person as I thought.” Or if it is with a significant other, maybe you think “this person doesn’t love me as much as I love them.” Our brains jump to conclusions very easily. 

I’ve mentioned authenticity a few times now. When talking about authenticity, I usually think - to me it means - do our internal thoughts and desires align with our outward thoughts and desires. What we express to others vs. how we feel inside. That’s known as behavioral congruence, when those things align.

But sometimes those things don’t align for good reason. For example, they may not align due to good old fashion impulse control. For example, if your partner/S.O. says something hurtful or does something hurtful, your instinct might be - you want to cage fight them. MMA style. But you don’t because you have impulse control. Does that mean you are not being authentic? There is a phenomenon - not sure what it’s called - where you fantasize about doing something crazy in a moment. Like if you’re on a bridge and you think, I could just jump off this bridge. Or if you’re carrying a tray of glass, you think I could just drop all of this right now. Or if you’re standing with someone on a cliff or pier, you may think I could push him in. There’s a word for that in psychology - I will look it up and put in the show notes - which explains this. So if you want to do something, even for a split second, but don’t, does it mean you’re inauthentic because, for a split second, you want to do it? No, you have impulse control.

If there is a disconnect between our internal and external selves, does it make us a phony? In some cases yes it does. But if we think about where that disconnect comes from, it’s probably learned over time. We learn you need to behave outwardly in a different way than you’d like to in order to keep you safe, it gets you praise or positive reinforcement, or maybe you just like the way it feels. Authenticity is about freedom of choice. If we are acting in an inauthentic way, it’s because we don’t feel comfortable enough to expose that. We may do it to keep ourselves safe, or not hurt someone’s feelings, or appease someone, and we don’t feel like we have a choice in the situation.

For women, this is sort of built into who we are because we don’t feel like we have the freedom in many situations. For example, in the workplace, if we are direct or firm, we sometimes are called a bitch. If we are sensitive and empathetic, we sometimes are called emotional or hormonal. I am generalizing and I do think that workplace experiences for women has gotten better, but I have personally experienced this first hand, so I know what it feels like to have to act inauthentically, to put on a show and play the game. Also, this happens to men too; I am not saying it’s exclusive to women. This also happens in social situations where we have to walk a fine line between putting ourselves out there in an honest way but also protecting ourselves. There is a fine line and we have to walk that line between being vulnerable and honest with presenting our best self.

As a society, we need social norms and ways to check other people. We’ve all been around the person who says really mean or hurtful or outlandish things and then says “what, I was just kidding!” Or the person who starts sentences with “not to be rude but…” or “don’t take this the wrong way but…” That’s fine. There is a place and time for honesty and direct conversations. But I think in general we do need some checks and balances. We can’t say for the sake of authenticity we should all say what we are thinking or feeling at any given moment. That’s not how society works, right? Does that mean we are being inauthentic or you’re playing by the rules?

There is this scene in the movie, Almost Famous - which is my favorite movie. I love the soundtrack - ahhh the music is so good. Even the original songs that they wrote for the film for the fictional band, Stillwater, are so good. I love the music and the costumes. I think I was born in the wrong fashion era. I would have crushed it in the 70s. Anyway, if you haven’t seen the movie, it’s about a young boy - 15 years old or so - and he wants to be a rock journalist. And he somehow gets in with an up-and-coming band named Stillwater. And they want him to come on the road with him so he can do a profile piece on them, which eventually gets published in Rolling Stone. And the movie is about his time with the band and falling for one of their groupies and his coming-of-age journey. And there is one scene that I love; it is with the amazing Phillip Seymore Hoffman, who plays another rock journalist and somewhat of a mentor to this boy. And the boy calls him after things sort of come crashing down and get real, and he is hit with the reality of the situation which is he is a pawn for this band. They want him to write a positive profile story and they use him to do it. But he actually felt a part of their little family and their world, but then realizes it was just an act. So he calls Phillip Seymore Hoffman’s character, crying and defeated, and he gives this boy the most beautiful, endearing pep talk. And he says, at the end of his speech, “The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you're uncool.” And I always loved that. If we can be our true selves - our weirdo little selves - and someone responds to that, that’s the best feeling, right? Being authentic and vulnerable and someone loving it? That’s it. That’s the greatest feeling right? For me, my love language is being playful and silly, but that isn’t for everyone. And that’s ok. But when I find someone who plays with me, plays back, I am so happy. If you can shine your light and like what’s reflected back, then that’s it. That’s the best.

One more thing about authenticity. I think social media has really ruined this for a lot of people. Ok, look, I am not going to get on a social media soap box here. I think it can be great and it can be terrible. You can have two conflicting views on it. Cognitive dissonance, right? But I do think it’s contributed to this idea that everyone has to be their own personal brand; we have to curate what image of ourselves we put out there. I get it; I’m not suggesting you cut out social media or change your curation process in order to be more authentic. But I think we can agree that social media keeps our successes and failures very top of mind and on display, which can be hard on your mental health. And therefore, it makes it hard to be vulnerable and authentic on social media. So, not a major, profound here, but just to remember that social media can bred inauthenticity and it’s not always real. Just food for thought.

Lastly, if you’re interested in hearing/reading more about vulnerability, Brene Brown is an amazing author, researcher, content creator focused on this area. You can start with her TED Talk on vulnerability but there is no shortage of her content to consume. 

Song 3: Alone, Heart
I don’t think there is a song that makes me wish I was a better singer as much as this one, soley so I could sing it at karaoke. I am not good at karaoke. I think few people are. Usually there is booze involved. We can’t hear ourselves. It’s not good. Have you ever stood outside a bar where people are doing karaoke? Or in New York - and I am sure lots of other cities - there are karaoke places that have private rooms. And if you walk down the hallway and hear everyone singing in their rooms or you’re outside listening to what is happening inside, it’s… something else. In college, a group of my guy friends lived in a shithole house together but that shithole house had a backyard where they would have parties, and one spring day they decided to bring all their speakers outside for karaoke. And people had been drinking all day, everything was wet and sticky, there was a kiddie pool which probably was filled with beer, debauchery all around. It was like a Fyre Festival reenactment - pre-Fyre Festival. Anyway, I thought that I could sing probably the hardest song of all time to sing, which is Barracuda by Heart. And… god, so embarrassing. The poor neighbors. They probably thought a sheep was being murdered or something. Wow, haven’t thought about that in a while. 

Anyyyyway, Alone by Heart. What a song. That high note Ann Wilson hits at the end of verse 2 - damnnnn. So, Ann and Nancy Wilson, amazing vocalists, amazing musicians. I can’t imagine living in a family where you have two insanely talented musicians like that. Must be really fun. Must make for a great Thanksgiving. Very jealous. Please check out their music video for this song on Youtube. The hair… the hair is just amazing. A masterpiece of hair spray and teasing. I would not have made it in the 80s hair era. My hair is straight, straight. No way I would have faired well. So, I don’t have much to say about this song in terms of mental health. It’s just a great song and makes me want to… lip sync since I can’t actually sing. I am making a little pout face, since you can’t see me. Feeling sorry for myself.

One last song, the honorable mention: “Wet Dream” by Wet Leg. For obvious reasons - ahem, the title - I am not going to talk about the lyrics here, but it’s a great song. British band, two female baddies, great song. They’ve said that their musical inspirations are Kate Bush (yes), Joni Mitchell (double yes) and A Tribe Called Quest (fucking yes), if that gives you any indication of what kind of music they make. It might not. That’s all over the place, in a good way. By the way, I have A Tribe Called Quest song lined up for next week or the week after, if you’re a fan please come back. Anyway, that’s it. Go listen to Wet Leg.

There’s the female baddie episode. Alanis! Love her. There are SO SO SO many more amazing female 90s rockers - No Doubt, Hole, Garbage. Stevie Nicks…. Ah, Fleetwood Mac is my all-time fav classic rock group. I definitely need to do another 90s female episode. 

Next episode I’m gonna do something a little different, trying to give somethin’ for everyone. You might hear some heavy metal or hip hop. TBD.

If you like this episode - or any episode - please subscribe and/or write a review. If you have any song recommendations, hit me on IG (positively_chill). I’d love to hear from you.

Remember, be kind to yourself. Show yourself the same grace you show the people you love. And remember, you can do hard things. And, of course, please stay chill.