Summer classic rock mix, arrival fallacy & resilience

In this episode, I discuss classic rock songs, arrival fallacy, impact basis and how to be more resilient. Listen to me try to tie in all these themes to summer music. Hope you will listen and chill out :)

Songs in this episode:

The Boys Are Back In Town by Thin Lizzy,
Badlands by Bruce Springsteen,
American Girl by Tom Petty, 

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Transcript

Welcome to the Positively Chill podcast. Thank you for joining me. I’m Danielle. If you are new to Positively Chill, if you are listening to your first episode, each week I explore impactful lyrics, mental health insights, and strategies for a positive mindset. I hope it helps you unwind and soak up some good vibes. 

Before I jump into this episode - which is a summertime, classic rock theme - I need to again start with some housekeeping. Real quick. Please review and/or subscribe to this podcast if you’re enjoying it. That’s it! Painless? Yes. Impactful? Yes. Would it make my day? Also yes. Please and thank you. So, this episode is a bit longer than normal, so I am going to just jump in. I have been trying to keep each episode around 20 minutes because… well, if you’re like me, that’s about all my attention span can handle. So, let’s get crackin' on the classic rock summer episode.

First song is The Boys Are Back In Town by Thin Lizzy. First off, great band name, right? Great band name. So, I didn’t know much about Thin Lizzy until I started researching for this episode. And they were sort of a classic rock band - I mean they are in the classic rock genre but I mean more like the stereotypical rock band. They would often drink heavily and stir up trouble and end up in fights before, after shows, and their roadies were chosen based in part on their pugilistic abilities and willingness to fight. People in Manchester, England will tell you "The Boys Are Back In Town" is about the Quality Street Gang, a criminal group like the Mafia, who operated from the 1960s to 1980s. I am not sure why an Irish band would be singing about an English gang but… Speaking of the gang, "The Boys Are Back In Town" was featured in not one, not two, not three, but four episodes of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, which was one of my favorite comedies for a long time. Whether or not you like that kind of humor - and I get it, it’s not for everyone - it is truly amazing that they are in their 16th season. Not many shows can claim that and it’s a testament to 1) their loyal fan base and 2) the shows’ amazing writing. Not that I know much about screenwriting but what I do know is that if you can develop characters that have such a strong sense of identity that you can read the dialogue and know immediately which character it is, that’s the goal. So, for example, if you took an Always Sunny script and removed all the characters’ names and just left the dialogue, the fans would immediately know which one was speaking just based on their word choices and the tone and even pauses in dialogue. The writers on that show have cemented their characters so strongly that any fan of the show knows how each character would and does speak. Not that you asked for it, but I am going to tell you my favorite Always Sunny episodes. They are The Nightman Cometh and the Kitten Mittens episode. If you’re going to start watching the show, if you’ve never watched before, I would start from the beginning (or at least the beginning of season 2 when Danny Devito comes on), but if you want to jump in to the nonsense - and I do mean sheer, chaotic nonsense - that is the show, those two are my favs. 

Next song is Badlands by Bruce Springsteen. I would be remiss to not include Bruce, as a Jersey girl. People from Jersey either 1) love and are obsessed with Bruce, 2) could care less and don’t understand why people like him so much or 3) are Bon Jovi fans and think they can’t be both. That’s my opinion as someone who lived in New Jersey for 18 years of my life. I would say I am closest to option 1, although not totally obsessed. I love him and his music, and it does remind me of summer at the Jersey Shore. And before you say, ew, Jersey Shore because you’ve watched the MTV show or the Sopranos, please know that those places, while they do exist, are only a few towns in an entire state of ten million people. There are more places unlike that than like it. Yes, Seaside Heights does exist and it is that wild, but mostly because it’s a public beach and lots of people from other states (like NY and PA) come for the day. Most other beaches at the Jersey Shore are private, meaning that you need to be a homeowner or renting from a homeowner to access the beaches, which prevents day-trippers from coming. Anyway, anytime I meet someone who has never been to New Jersey, I always feel like I need to defend it. And no, not everyone from New Jersey is in the mafia, because I’ve been asked that question too. There are almost ten million people that live there so for everyone to be in the mafia would be… too many people in the mafia. 

Anyway, the lyrics I like from this song are “talk about a dream, try to make it real. You wake up in the night with a fear so real. You spend your life waiting for a moment that just don't come. Well, don't waste your time waiting.” I have so many times in my life been waiting for a moment and preparing for that time that I haven’t lived in the moment. Or I have been waiting to arrive at some made-up point in a relationship. Like, once we get to this point, then things will change or be better. We spend a lot of time thinking about the future and the “what if” or “when I get this thing” - the new job, the new partner, more money, whatever - and it takes away from our present. This is something we hear quite a bit about marriage or having children - that once those things happen, then things will change in the relationship for the better. Logically, we know that isn’t true. If there are issues in a relationship, if there is unhappiness, then making life-changing, life-long commitments isn’t going to change that… or it isn’t going to make things better, at least. There is a term for this, arrival fallacy. The term arrival fallacy refers to the belief that attaining a particular goal will lead to long-term happiness. This belief is not grounded in reality because after the goal is reached, the initial euphoria fades away and people return to their baseline level of happiness. This phenomena is observed in athletes all the time; imagine you’re an Olympic athlete and you keep thinking “once I get to the trials, I will be happy” and “once I make the Olympic team, I will be happy” and “once I win a medal, I will be happy.” And if they do win a medal, they are genuinely happy. It’s a proud achievement that they have worked so hard for. But how long does that happiness last? In addition to arrival fallacy, there are a lot of examples of athletes who actually fall into depression after their season is over because they lose their sense of self; the entire identity is tied up in being an athlete and working for one specific event. And that, my friends, is why I am not an Olympic athlete. Jokes aside, there are two separate things happening in this example, but one of them is arrival fallacy. And even more intensely, anxiety and depression can be rooted in arrival fallacy because when we don’t maintain that happiness - we return to our baseline level of happiness, as we were before that thing we achieved or got - then that’s even harder to deal with.

I bet you didn’t think I’d get from Bruce Springsteen to Olympic athletes, huh? Well, I did. 

When talking about arrival fallacy and the belief that attaining a particular goal will lead to long-term happiness, here is what happens biologically with our neurotransmitters… When we start making progress towards a goal, our brain begins rewarding us by releasing the feel-good and motivating hormone dopamine. The closer we get, the more we’re rewarded, which reinforces our efforts and maintains our motivation. Yet when we finally achieve our goal, dopamine levels start to drop, and we’re biologically blocked from experiencing the positive emotions we anticipated. This drop in dopamine can lead to a sense of letdown or disappointment, since the anticipated positive feelings may not be as intense as we expected. 

Similarly to arrival fallacy, impact bias refers to the tendency to overestimate the impact that future events will have on our emotional well-being, either positively or negatively. So these feelings aren’t a character flaw or something specific to you or your circumstances. This is human biology. 

By the way, this isn’t to say setting goals isn't important. I am not saying that since your happiness won’t be sustained by achieving goals, that doesn’t mean they aren’t important. But it’s essential to understand how this relates to happiness. Achieving goals can and should make us feel happy and proud, but they will not fundamentally change our happiness levels. If we are thinking, “I want to achieve this goal because it will make me happy” that is different from saying “I will be happy if I achieve this goal.” If anything, setting smaller more manageable goals - incremental goals - is what will help us maintain dopamine and motivation. 

Last song is American Girl by Tom Petty. While listening to this song for this episode, I was reminded that I once saw Tom Petty and Stevie Nicks at a concert together when they toured together many years ago. And I don’t really remember the show specifically but always remember going. And then I was talking about it recently with someone and it occurred to me that maybe it was a fever dream. Do you ever have that experience where you’ve told yourself a story for so long that you just believe it to be true? I feel like this happens a lot when adults remember stories from their childhood. You are so sure something happened a certain way but then you start talking about it with other people - especially adults who have a more concrete memory or perspective - and you find out that it didn’t actually happen the way you remember. I was talking with my mom recently about the broken bones I had as a kid. I once rode my bike into the back of a parked car and slid under the car, and the woman who lived in the house carried me about 8 blocks home. And I was thinking recently, “why didn’t she just drive me?” I was about 10 and probably wasn’t that light; it’s not like I was a toddler. And my mom didn’t remember her carrying me, but I know for sure she did. I grew up with many cousins, my dad is one of eight kids, and there were 3 of my cousins who were around the same age; we were all within about a year of each other, and the youngest cousin was a boy. So I was talking about this with my family recently and they were telling the story of how we - the older girl cousins - forced him to climb out a second story window using a bed sheet. We tied the sheet to the bed and then flung it out the window and made this little 7 year old climb down. And the adults were on the first floor and suddenly they saw my cousin shimmying down a bed sheet outside the window. And I was so sure that this never happened. I specifically remember him not going out the window but the adults confirmed that it happened. Anyway, the good news is that the Tom Petty/Stevie Nicks show was not actually a fever dream. It was a really, really long time ago, but I did ask the person who I went with about the details and he came through. He knew where it was, when it was and even had some specific memories of songs. It’s crazy how our minds can play tricks on us or make us doubt ourselves. I know a lot of people complain about others constantly taking photos and videos at events instead of enjoying the moment and I definitely get that, but also videos and photos can be helpful when we wonder, “did I just completely make that up??” 

Anyway, the lyrics I like from this song are “god it’s so painful, something that’s so close is still so far out of reach.” It’s true that the more we think something is attainable, the closer we are to getting it, then harder it is to deal with the rejection or failure. For me, when this happens, it’s even hard to bounce back and be resilient. I deal with this a lot professionally because I am a consultant and work for myself, and I go through periods of having a complete roster of clients and then times when I don’t and have to rebuild. And that rebuilding time is so hard because it’s all business development and sales work, which is my least favorite part of my job because it’s filled with rejection and failure. For me, it’s very hard to not take it personally when I am the service; my knowledge and expertise is what I’m “selling” when I pitch new clients, so it feels personal. But I have to remind myself that this is all part of what I signed up for; if I didn’t want to do the biz dev part of my job, I could go work in-house for a company. But I like consulting and so I have to deal with the rejection and be as resilient as I can. 

To do that, I try to figure out where the rejection or failure came from. Do some analysis and inward thinking about why the thing - or relationship or project, whatever - didn’t work out. In my case, it could be that my availability didn’t match with their needs, or that they found someone who was better suited for the project. But understanding why the failure happened will allow you to feel like it won’t happen again, you can control it better next time and therefore make you more resilient. 

If you work in tech - although I am sure this is true of other industries as well - but in tech there is usually a stand-up meeting, which is daily or weekly, depending on the team. Everyone goes around and talks about what they are working on, and answer the question, “what’s blocking you?” meaning, what is the thing that will prevent you from accomplishing your goals that day or that week. It’s a great way to think about what you need in order to accomplish your goals and what prevents you from accomplishing goals. This could be you’re waiting on another person or team to finish their part of the project first before you can move on to your task, or it could be that there is a larger issue with the structure of the project or team, or it could be as simple as, “I don’t have enough time today to complete that task.” But thinking about what is causing the blockage will help you be able to move forward more quickly.

So often we set goals but we don’t think about what is preventing us from accomplishing those goals and why. Is it that you truly lack the skills to do it? Or are you maybe we’re scared of judgment or failure? 

Part of what makes us resilient or unresilient - wait, that is not a word. Unresilient is not a word. What is the opposite of resilient? Hmm, Google, please help. So I guess there isn’t a specific word; Google is telling me the opposite is “vulnerable,” “fragile,” or “weak” which don’t really seem to be correct. I think we can be strong and yet still struggle to be resilient. But anyway, part of what makes us resilient or… not is what’s called the locus of control, which is the degree to which people believe that they, as opposed to external forces, have control over the outcome of events in their lives. Do you feel like things are happening because of external factors or internal factors? Those who have external attribution or external attributional style (meaning external factors are the reason why things happen) generally have more resilience, and those with internal attribution believe things happen due to effort, ability, or traits. And because those are so closely tied to our own personality, our own intelligence, our own effort, it is hard to be resilient if those traits are questioned. For me, I have an internal attributional style and what I find myself doing quite frequently is what is called defensive pessimism, meaning I lower standards to avoid disappointment and pain. I try to trick myself into thinking that I don’t really want that thing or person in order to protect myself from the pain of rejection or failure. But that’s not right, that ain’t healthy. We should never be lowering our standards, ever, for anyone or anything. But I do find myself doing that quite a bit. 

So what makes us more resilient, if it’s not defensive pessimism? And, spoiler, it’s not. To be clear, that is not the way. Not the way. But we may be guilty of it. But if we want to be more resilient, and not just for major life challenges like a death of a loved one, divorce, unemployment, a life-threatening illness, but also for the day-to-day challenges of life. On top of our own shit to deal with and work out, we have front-row seats to some really traumatic world events right now, like war, corruption, death of the innocent. It’s hard to watch and hard to deal with, and we need to draw on our inner strength to even get through the day-to-day sometimes. So let’s talk about how to be more resilient. First, we need to acknowledge that we may have sticky perspectives of ourselves. “I am always right.” “I will never find love.” “I am not worthy of happiness.” Or even simple things like “I have no attention span.” “I am always late.” These perspectives and perceptions of ourselves and the self-talk we do to ourselves can impact how we internalize negative situations and how we bounce back. Let’s say you’re the one saying “I will never find love” and you are going on dates and having terrible experiences and you say to yourself, “see, I knew it. This sucks, and it must mean that I will never find a partner. I’d rather drink a can of Axe Body Spray than go on another date” Well, fair enough, but also, it may be hard to find a partner with that perspective of yourself, that mindset. It’s like that expression: if you say you can’t, then you probably can’t. So first, identify if one of the things that is blocking you is you. The good news is that inner strength and psychological resources can be learned. There is something called neuroplasticity which basically means that the brain can change, it can make new connections between neurons, it can make existing connections stronger. I will definitely do a full episode on neuroplasticity because it’s such an interesting topic, but the gist is that our brains can continue to change, even as adults. We are not fully baked. Those attributes don’t define you. Those things that are good in you can grow every further. 

After you have some mindfulness about yourself in the situation, think about how you may want to change that - genuinely think about it. Identify what you want to become. So for example, if you’re the person who says “I will never find love” think about what kind of person you want to be to receive love. And also, think about the kind of love you want. So often we romanticize - no pun intended - we romanticize romantic love when there are other relationships that give us love in different ways. And I’m not saying that romantic love isn’t important, but maybe take a step back and think about what kind of love you want. Once you’ve thought about what you want to become, the person you want to be, when those situations do happen, experience it, learn from mistakes, internalize it. The key is to internalize it. If you experience a negative situation and then don’t think about what went wrong and why, then it’s done you no good. What feels good about that experience, what feels bad about that experience, what would you have done differently. It’s hard when we’re emotional but take a breath and think about why it was important. I have a shirt that says “feel your feelings” which sounds so obvious, but sometimes we forget to do that and the shirt is a good reminder for me. This type of intentional thinking and mindfulness will help you grow and learn so you can be resilient next time. 

So, that’s it. That’s the episode. Like the previous episodes, I’d like to end with an affirmation. If it feels good to say it outloud and repeat after me, if that works for you, then please do it. Otherwise please listen. 

Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can. You are capable of making positive changes in your life. Every journey begins with a single step, and there’s no better time to start than now. Trust in your abilities and the resources you already possess. Small actions, taken consistently, can lead to significant progress. Believe in your capacity to grow and adapt, even when the path seems challenging. Embrace the present moment and the strengths you bring to it. Remember, you don’t need to have everything figured out; just take one step at a time. Your effort and perseverance will pave the way for the change you desire. The affirmation is “I am more capable than I realize, and every step forward is a testament to my strength and determination.”

As I mentioned, next week I’ll be talking about coping strategies and maybe some more summer music. I don’t have a playlist yet so if there are songs that you all like, send me a DM. I’m at @positively_chill on Instagram. I’d love to hear from you.  

Remember, be kind to yourself. Show yourself the same grace you show the people you love. And remember, you can do hard things. And, of course, please stay chill.