90s Alt-Rock & Do One Thing Different

This episode is slightly different than others. I talk about the book “Do One Thing Different: Ten Simple Ways to Change Your Life” by Bill O’Hanlon, confess my love of book reports & 90s alt-rock, and discuss ways to make changes in your life.

Songs in this episode:
Tonight, Tonight by Smashing Pumpkins

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Transcript

Thank you for joining me. I’m Danielle. If you’re new to Positively Chill, if this is your first episode, each week I pick a few songs with impactful music lyrics and discuss their relationship to mental health challenges. I hope it helps you discover some new music you wouldn’t normally listen to, gain some insights on mental health challenges and maybe soak up some good vibes.

This week’s podcast is going to be slightly different. I have picked on 90s alt rock song to discuss, normally I pick 3 songs, but I have only picked 1 this week and you’ll see why. Or you’ll hear why. I recently heard about Neural Nostalgia or Musical nostalgia is when songs hold disproportionate power over our emotions. Have you ever said a word and thought “that can’t be right.” I just said nostalgia and it sounded off. Like, I know how to say it but my brain is like “babe, that wasn’t it.” Anyway, musical nostalgia… researchers have uncovered evidence that suggests our brains bind us to the music we heard as teenagers more tightly than anything we’ll hear as adults—a connection that doesn’t weaken as we age. So I am not sure that this is exactly true, I wasn’t a teen when I heard this music, but I still it hold it close to my heart. So I think it’s any time in your early life when you are molding your identity. I listened to a lot of music growing up, mostly The Beatles and classic rock (from my dad) and disco (from my mom) which is a hell of a combination. Some of the classic rock I remember listening to around 7 or 8 is still the same music I love today. It’s amazing how that imprints in our mind. So today’s theme, for me, is musical nostalgia. The music I have a memory reaction to, takes me back to a moment in my younger years.

First song is Tonight, Tonight by Smashing Pumpkins. This is deceptively a hopeful song. I don’t think it sounds like one off the bat, but listening to the lyrics makes you realize it is. One of the things I love about this song are the strings. They recorded this with the Chicago Symphony Orchestra, using a 30-piece string-section, so it’s really beautiful - a great juxtaposition to the rock sounds from the electric guitars and drums. 

I remember seeing this music video when I was younger - great video, by the way, if you haven’t seen it. Back when music videos were a thing. How great were they? I wish they would bring them back in a bigger way. I know some artists still do them but not like they used to. Like TRL style. Whenever I think of music videos I always think of the Foo Fighters who always had the silliest, stupidest videos (stupid in a good way). Anyway, when I was younger I saw the Tonight Tonight video and was mesmerized by their bassist, D'arcy Wretzky. She was one of the only female bassists I think I had seen at the time. I think by the time I actually saw the video - even though this album came out in 1995 I didn’t see it until years later - and that point she had left the band, I think. But I remember thinking about how cool she was and how I wanted to be a bassist. And then I realized I can’t play the guitar, which I guess is somewhat important to being a guitarist in a band. I did play the violin, clarinet and piano when I was little because I was forced to. My parents made me take lessons when I was little and I can still play one song, only one song, called March of the Wee Folk which is basically a circus song. It’s my only party trick. And then I was forced to play an instrument in school, so I played the violin and clarinet. And by played, I mean butchered Hot Cross Buns.

Anyway enough about my musical abilities, the lyrics I like are, “Believe, believe, that life can change, that you're not stuck in vain. We're not the same, we're different.” Later in the song they sing, “the impossible is possible tonight.”

I have been thinking about how life can change a lot lately. Not sure what is causing it, maybe just getting older in general or maybe something subconscious is happening. I have been reading a book called “Do One Thing Different: Ten Simple Ways to Change Your Life” by Bill O’Hanlon, and I picked up this book because, based on the title, I thought it would be similar to Atomic Habits. If you’ve ever read that book, you know it’s about habit building, slowly and incrementally. If you haven’t read the book, I highly recommend it. The author of that book talks about how making very small adjustments to your life, your schedule, your relationships, whatever, can add up over time, even if you’re doing a small change. So for example, he talks about, if you want to get in shape and start working out, doing a full workout regime off the bat may be overwhelming and lead to failure, especially if you’re not used to working out. But if you add something small, like 10 push-ups a day, to your morning schedule, that will compound over time. And the more of these little changes you make, the easier it is to stick with them because they just become part of your daily habits. By the way, push-ups are the bane of my existence. They never get easier for me. Hate ‘em. Whoever invented them should be jailed. And fined. And then tarred and feathered. Anyway, great book, so I thought this was going to be similar based on the title, but it’s really about problem solving and taking a different approach to your problems. 

Anyway, “Do One Thing Different” is about, first, identifying patterns in your behavior and then finding a solution-oriented approach to changing said behavior. A solution-oriented approach is a mindset that focuses on finding practical solutions to problems and challenges. It involves a proactive and positive attitude, and taking action to overcome obstacles rather than dwelling on the problems themselves.

The author gives the example of someone who eats cookies every night, late at night. A problem for lots of folks, right? Maybe it’s not cookies. Maybe it’s another sweet or alcohol or whatever. But the approach is to think about a time when you didn’t have that indulgent thing. Think back to that one time, and it may only be one time. In the solution-oriented approach, instead of analyzing why you were able to have a cookieless night, you now deliberately reproduce what you did spontaneously then. So let’s say you didn’t have your bag of soft-batch chocolate chip cookies - which babe, don’t argue with me, are the best. Any cookie that is soft and not fully cooked is ::chefskiss:: I will hear no other reasoning at this time. Anyway let’s say you didn’t have cookies that night because you went out with friends instead. So, in this example, the solution-based approach would be to replicate the time when you didn’t eat the cookie, that is when you went out.Rather than focusing on “why you do,” focus on “what you do.” Then take action. You don’t have to be perfect at it or do it every night but know that there are other behaviors that can replace the habit you are trying to break. 

The author outlines a few different steps and ways to think about addressing your issue.

Step 1: Ask yourself: When didn’t I experience the problem after I expected I would? 

Step 2: Notice what happens as the problem ends or starts to end. Then deliberately do some of the helpful actions you do then, but much earlier in the problem situation.

Step 3: Import some solution patterns from other situations in which you felt competent. 

Step 4: Ask yourself: Why isn’t the problem worse?

I really like that last step. So often when we have an issue - whether that’s a relationship or financial hardship or an issue at work - we are so consumed with 1) why it’s happening and 2) how to solve it, that we don’t take a step back to evaluate its magnitude. If you’ve ever worked with children or you have children, you may have heard this phrase used a lot when a child is having a meltdown about something. “Is it a big problem or a small problem?” Asking them to evaluate whether or not it’s big - meaning it could cause bodily harm or someone else is in harm's way or it requires an adult to intervene - or small - meaning it can be easily solved, it doesn’t have any consequences, and so on. Sometimes as adults we forget to ask ourselves that question. “Is it a big problem or a small problem?” Will this require someone else’s help? How long will it take to solve? And again, the one I like, why isn’t the problem worse? Framing it like that, asking yourself that question, may actually point to the solution itself. How do you explain the fact that your situation or problem isn’t more severe than it is? This is a strange way of finding solution patterns, but may just work. I am going to try this in my own life and report back.

One of the main concepts of the book is, “what you focus on expands.” When you are having problems, it is usually because you are attending to the same thing over and over again. It’s like that expression, “insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” We keep focusing on the same thing - whether that’s the problem itself or the solution we think will work but has proven it does not. To solve the problem, change where your attention is going - shift your attention. Usually one of the easiest shifts is to attend to something different in your sensory experience (what you see, hear, smell, taste, touch). Shift from seeing things to listening, or from listening to touching. So let’s say you are having an issue with a relationship where you and your partner are constantly arguing. You’re sitting face to face and having these arguments. The author suggests changing things up, so maybe you and your partner write down your feelings or talk over the phone, instead of in person. Just changing the sensory elements could pull you out of the pattern.

To go back to focus… focus on what has worked (or is working) rather than on what hasn’t (or isn’t). It sounds so simple but I think we get caught in dwelling on the negative when we’re problem solving. I know I definitely have done this, but after reading this chapter, I did try to implement this idea. I was recently presenting to a group of people via Zoom, which I do frequently for my job, and usually as I am presenting I am looking at everyone in their little boxes, making sure I am reading reactions and monitoring if anyone has any questions. And I noticed that a lot of the time, I was focusing on the frowns on people’s faces or the people who didn’t seem like they were paying attention. So I now try to find one person in the group - or the few people - who is smiling or nodding as you are talking and focus on him or her. It sounds so simple but it really does pull me out of my head when I am focusing on the negative, so even that small change has helped. Probably what I should do is just minimize all the boxes so I can’t see anyone and just focus on what I am saying, but… baby steps.

So, to recap, here are some highlights from the book. I feel like I’m writing Cliff Notes - remember Cliff Notes? I guess the internet made them obsolete. But anyway, here is a summary.

1. Break the Cycle: Identify and interrupt unproductive patterns in your behavior. Instead of trying to overhaul your entire life, focus on altering just one aspect to see a ripple effect of positive change. 

2. Shift Perspectives: Look at problems from different angles. Changing your perspective can help you see solutions that you might have missed before. 

3. Do Something Unexpected: Act in ways that are contrary to your usual behavior. This can disrupt negative cycles and lead to new opportunities. 

4. Set Small, Achievable Goals: Start with small, manageable steps rather than overwhelming yourself with large goals. Small successes build momentum and confidence. 

5. Focus on Solutions, Not Problems: Concentrate on what you want to achieve rather than what's wrong. Solution-focused thinking empowers you to take action. 

6. Use Positive Language: The language you use can shape your reality. Speak and think positively to create a more optimistic outlook. Man, this one is so important. I find myself being so negative with myself sometimes. Speak positively to yourself, not just others.

7. Emphasize Strengths: Identify and build on your strengths instead of focusing on weaknesses. Leveraging what you’re good at can lead to more satisfying outcomes. 

8. Change Your Environment: Sometimes altering your surroundings can help change your behavior. Small adjustments in your environment can lead to big changes in how you act and feel. 

9. Be Flexible: Stay open to new ideas and be willing to adjust your plans as needed. Flexibility allows you to adapt and thrive in changing circumstances. 

10. Seek Support: Don’t hesitate to ask for help or lean on others for support. Collaboration and sharing can provide new insights and encouragement.

So, those are the highlights I took away from the book. I’d love to know if any of you have read this book and what you thought. Like I said earlier, I am going to try to implement some of these and report back. But I’d love to know if any of you have found success with these strategies. Also, if you liked this format, basically a good ol’ book report, let me know. I loved book reports growing up. They were my jam. I used to do a written book report but then also bring in a physical depiction of the story, usually in a diorama. Remember those? Oh man, I just loved those. I always used an old shoe box and spent hours painting and constructing them. And I even remember the clear cover that I would put on my book reports. You know the one with the plastic, hard piece that would slide on the edge, like where the binding would be? Wow, I am sounding like a real nerd right now. But you know what? I’m a nerd and proud. I’m leaning in.

Like the previous episodes, I’d like to end with an affirmation. If it feels good to repeat the affirmation aloud - if that’s part of your journey - then do so, otherwise please just listen. The affirmation will be at the end.

There isn’t a single person you need in this life more than yourself. So put yourself first. Your well-being, happiness, and fulfillment are paramount. Prioritizing yourself is not selfish; it’s essential for living a balanced and healthy life. When you take care of your needs, you equip yourself to better support and uplift others. Remember that self-love and self-care are the foundations of a meaningful existence. Embrace your worth and make decisions that honor your mental, emotional, and physical health. Surround yourself with positive influences and let go of anything or anyone that drains your energy. By putting yourself first, you create a life where you can thrive and inspire others to do the same. Trust in your value and give yourself the love and attention you deserve.

So, the affirmation is: I will trust in my value and give myself the love and attention I deserve.

That’s it. That’s the episode. If you liked this episode or any episode, please subscribe, rate and/or review. Please and thank you. If you’d like to connect with me, send me a note on IG at @positively_chill. I’d love to hear from you.

Remember, be kind to yourself. Show yourself the same grace you show the people you love. And remember, you can do hard things. And, of course, please stay chill.