Feel-good songs, regret & perfectionism

Join me for the fourth episode of Positively Chill! Each week we go on a musical journey - exploring impactful lyrics, mental health insights, and strategies for a positive mindset. In this episode, I discuss more of my favorite feel-good songs and how these songs relate to perfectionism, regret and counterfactual thinking. Listen to me try to tie in all these themes to music :) Hope you will listen and chill out.

Songs in this episode:
Everything In Its Right Place by NTO (Radiohead cover),
Dancing On My Own by Robyn,
Wonderwall by Oasis

Say hi on Instagram @positively_chill

Transcript

Welcome to the Positively Chill podcast. I’m Danielle. Thank you for joining me. If you are new to Positively Chill, well all of you are new because it’s a new podcast - but if you are listening to your first episode, I talk a little bit about nothing (like music) and a little bit of everything (like mental health). Each episode I explore impactful lyrics, mental health insights, and strategies for a positive mindset. I hope it helps you unwind and soak up some good vibes. 

I don’t think I’ve mentioned this before, but each episode I try to pick songs from different genres, give a little something for everyone. So there will be some dance, mixed with alt rock, mixed with classic rock, with some pop. Hopefully this gives a little something for everyone, and maybe it acts like a discovery tool? You may learn about some songs you don’t know about or wouldn’t normally listen to. And if you go to my Instagram page (@postively_chill) there is a link to a Spotify playlist with all the songs, if you want to listen along. 

First song... Everything In The Right Place, NTO (Radiohead cover). A ton of DJs are doing EDM remixes of this song, although to the untrained ear, moi, they all sound the same. I have never been particularly into EDM, but I love all these remixes. The one I have been listening to non-stop is by a DJ named NTO. And I love the original. It’s so eerie and kind of haunting, but the remixes are definitely uplighting and put a little smile on my face. It’s the same 7 lyrics over and over, the whole song. Their “OK Computer” album is one of the only albums that I love every single song on, and I listened to it on repeat. It’s hard to make an album where even your biggest fans love every song. But Radiohead is legendary and can do anything.

So the song, “Everything in its right place” only has 7 lyrics, one of which, the namesake lyric, is “everything in the right place.” Musicians are so clever sometimes. Anyway, I find it hard sometimes to not try to find a “right place” for everything - I am doing air quotes as if you can see me. “Right place.” It can be a cycle, right? You get anxiety or stress and want to control it, or keep it at bay, and an easy way to feel in control is by putting things - whether literal or figurative - in their place. And then not being able to control everything or keep in its place and cause anxiety and stress. And the cycle starts again. Type A personalities definitely struggle with this. It’s about control, when maybe there was a lack of control or stability in earlier parts of their life? Or high expectations from parents or school or supervisors, super highly competitive situations. Although I did once read a study that showed that there is a genetic aspect to it; they studies identical and fraternal twins and measured things like aggression and internal drive. But wherever it comes from, there is this need, an urge, to control. And not always in a bad way; a lot of leaders in business and politics are Type A and that is what got them to where they are now. Being Type A can definitely be a critical in leadership roles. But what about in personal relationships? Life and humans are so unpredictable, and feeling like you have to have some control - or let’s not use that word because it seems to have negative connotations, so let’s say structure, instead. If you feel like you always have to have structure in your relationships, then that can be exhausting. It is like the expression that I hear so often used towards children - if you have children or work with children or around children, you probably have heard this expression before: You cannot control others behaviors, only your reactions to their behaviors. And that’s very hard when you want to control behaviors. I can see how it leads to resentment and frustration. It’s like with kids, you - as a parent or caregiver or teacher or a godparent - want the child to behave a certain way, the way you have taught them. But kids are wild cards. They will dump a bag of flour on the floor, get naked, roll around in it with the dog, and then act like nothing happened. And shit, if that’s not the most out-of-place thing for everything, I don’t know what is. The only thing we can control - not this tiny monster of a human - is our reaction in that situation. And I know for Type A folks, that can feel impossible. It'd be easier to burn the whole house down and start over then clean up that mess.  Even for people who are not Type A, we all strive for some sort of perfection. It’s human nature and unavoidable. We are social primates, and striving for perfection can be a way to increase attractiveness as a mate or improve our social standing. And it’s linked to a fear of failure, which I talked about in the last episode. There is an amazing scientist named Dr. Robert Sapolsky who studied baboons over decades to understand social hierarchy and how it relates to humans. And he found that in baboon societies, individuals lower in the social hierarchy experience higher levels of stress hormones. You would think it would be the opposite; the leaders of the group would endure the most stress. This is similar to humans, where individuals who feel a lack of control or lower social status might experience chronic stress, contributing to health issues, including depression. So even baboons know that stability and control will improve their social status and, ultimately, their happiness. As social primates too, this is built into us, so how do we overcome this innate drive for unattainable perfection? Well, let’s remind ourselves that it’s not about perfection. It’s about balance. We feel unhappy or lost or unsettled when we sway out of balance, one way or another. But nothing is perfect. So let’s do our best and show ourselves some grace.

Let’s end with some cool facts about Radiohead: Radiohead was originally called On A Friday but took its new name from “Radio Head,” a song on the 1986 Talking Heads album True Stories. Talking Heads - great band. I will definitely be including their music in future episodes. Double fun fact: True Stories is also a film, directed by and starring the Talking Heads' David Byrne. Here comes the mind-blowing moment. The song on the album was actually inspired by actor Stephen Tobolowsky (he played Ned in Groundhog Day - amazing movie. Bill Murray can do no wrong in my book. He also played "Action" Jack Barker on Silicon Valley), who co-wrote the film with Byrne. Stay with us, now: According to an interview with Tobolowsky, he had what he calls "psychic experiences" in college, wherein he could read people's "tones" (i.e. discern information about them simply by being in the same room). Very cool superpower, very cool. I am jealous. If I had to pick one, I guess I would go with the cliche of being able to fly or time travel, but if I had to pick one more based in reality, that’s a pretty impressive one. Anyway, he relayed those experiences to Byrne while they wrote the film, and then Byrne wrote the song "Radio Head" for the album. Sorry if you didn’t follow any of that. Tl;dr Radiohead used to be called “On a Friday” and Bill Murray is my hero.

Next song... Dancing On My Own by Robyn. By the way there are multiple artists with the name Robin. One spelled Robin and one Robyn. But they both put out bangers. For example, Robin wrote “Show Me Love” in the 90s and THAT IS MY JAM. I feel so good after listening to that song. I should do a whole episode just on RobinS songs. Anyway, I love this song. I love it so much. It’s like “Murder On The Dance Floor” (from episode 1) where it just makes you want to dance. And I feel like everyone can relate to this song. You know when you hear lyrics in a song and you feel like it was written for you? I feel that. The chorus is, “I’m in the corner, watching you kiss her. I’m right over here. Why can’t you see me? I’m giving it my all but I’m not the guy you’re taking home. I keep dancing on my own.” I think we have at some point all felt invisible to another person, even not necessarily in a romantic relationship but in any relationship. It could be with a parent or a boss or a friend or a child. And it’s a truly shitty feeling because it makes you question your self-worth and also spiral into questions like “Am I being too needy? Am I being desperate?” All of those kinds of questions. And spiraling like that doesn’t feel good. Can I spiral into control for once? It also leads to feelings of regret, which also isn’t a pleasant feeling. Regret can be a form of punishment itself. It can be so cringey. The interesting thing about regret is that it’s based on storytelling and counterfactual thinking, which is unique to humans. Counterfactual thinking is when we are able to think through scenarios that are counterfactual to reality. So when we regret, we time travel back to that moment, counterfactually think - meaning the opposite of what actually happened - and then replay the story with a different outcome than reality. It’s amazing what our minds can do, even if it’s a painful emotion. And regret is based on our own actions; unlike disappointment, let’s use a different emotion, it can be pinned on someone or it can be a result of someone else’s actions. But regret is based solely on our own doing. There are two kinds of mental time travel and counterfactual thinking. One is upward, meaning you imagine how things could have been better. For example, “I wish I had been more assertive in this situation and told that person how I really felt.” A little foreshadowing to the next song. Anyway, this makes us feel worse but it can also make us do better. The other is downward, meaning you imagine how things could have become worse. For example, “I wish I hadn’t gone on that date to that concert with that guy, but at least I got to see my favorite band.” Find the silver lining, makes you feel better but doesn’t actually make you do better the next time. Humans are more inclined to do upward counterfactual thinking, even though it makes us feel worse, because we are built for progress. So, all that to say, regret can make us better and do better, so it’s a good thing, even if it feels painful.

Many years ago, I was working at a large, well-known media company in New York City, and I had been there for about 4 years when I decided I wanted to make a career change and was pretty much over working at this company. My boss at the time was great - she was always very supportive of me as an employee, supportive of me as a manager, supportive of me as a woman in a mostly male-dominated company. I had worked for her for about 2 years, and she was a great boss. But, I had decided to leave the company and gave my 2 weeks notice - and I probably should have gone about it differently, long story but it wasn’t the ideal timing or situation. But, I gave my 2 weeks notice and then the day before I was to leave, on my second-to-last day, she was fired, very unexpectedly, and asked to leave immediately. And on that day, I was working from home, so I wasn’t in the office when she left. The next day I came into the office for my last day and it was all everyone could talk about, meaning what had gone down yesterday. She was the most senior person on our team and I was the second most senior, and we were both leaving at the same time. And it was a bit… not sure what the word is here, trying to tread lightly… but there was a lot of drama around it because they were bringing back a man who had been in her position before her to now replace her. So, there was lots of buzz around the office and it was my last day so I was checked out mentally. And then I left and went on my merry way, and for some reason, unbeknownst to me to this day, I never reached out to her. I am not sure why; I think I was ready to mentally close that chapter of my life, but I don’t know what that had to do with her. I should have called or texted her and checked in. But I didn’t and I regretted it later on. So, fast forward to a last year, I was still thinking about it every once in a while. “Why didn’t I just call or email or text? Who am I?” These things kind of shake you a little bit because they make you second-guess what kind of person you are, ya know? Or at least it did for me. It was a signal to my brain that I’ve acted in a way that conflicts with my values.  I am the kind of person who reaches out to the people I care about, checks in on them, especially in these kinds of shitty situations. So, what was going through my head? I still don’t really know. But anyway, a year ago, I decided to just email her. So I said, “I know it’s been a few years but I wanted to say hi and see how you are. And I wanted to apologize for never reaching out after we left XYZ company. I don’t know why I didn’t, but… I’m sorry. And I hope you’re well.” And that was it. I didn’t expect or want a response. I just wanted to put that out into the cosmos. And she did respond and was very nice to accept my apology and wished me well too. And that was it. It’s not like we suddenly fell back into our old relationship or are getting together for coffee or catching up, or anything like that. It was just an apology and an acceptance of said apology. And it doesn’t take much, aside from me swallowing your pride. But it made me feel better, so maybe it was selfish in a way. But I want to remind myself that it’s ok to regret, it’s ok to make mistakes and it’s ok to ask for forgiveness. 

A few years ago, a family member reached out to me out of the blue, not someone I talk to regularly. And she was going through NA, and one of the parts of the program is to make amends with people you have hurt. So she called me and apologized for something that happened a million years ago, something I didn’t even remember happening. But it weighed on her and she apologized. And I could tell it took a lot for her to do this; it is not comfortable to acknowledge when you’ve hurt someone, especially if you don’t have a strong relationship with them because you have no idea how they will respond. And in her mind, this could have been an altering situation; maybe I was mad at her for what happened, maybe I did resent her. But in reality, I don’t even remember it, but I still appreciated the apology. It didn’t make me feel one way or another, but knowing that this process of atonement was part of her journey to healing, I was glad to be a part of that in some way. 

To go back to what I said earlier about regret being a signal to our brain that we’ve acted in a way that conflicts with our values, take that with a grain of salt. It’s not an indication that we are that way all the time or we are bad people. It’s a sign to acknowledge, do better and move on. Don’t ruminate in it. Don’t over-generalize and label yourself. Learn and move on. Process the regret effectively and don’t torture yourself with a generalization about yourself. We are all allowed to make mistakes. 

If you ever want to hear amazing episodic storytelling about regret, check out the Heavyweight podcast. It’s a Gimlet Media podcast and each episode tells the story, and in some cases, the resolution of regret. It’s such a great podcast and there were 8 seasons, so tons of content to consume. 

Last song... Wonderwall by Oasis. Not really an upbeat, uplifting song, but it makes me feel good, for some reason. Maybe it’s nostalgia. There is one lyric that really gets me, every time I hear it. “There are many things that I’d like to say to you, but I don’t know how.” Goes back to regret, right? Not being able to muster the courage to say what you want to say? Tale as old as time… Tune as old as song. Ok, I don’t know where that came from. That’s the lyrics to a Beauty and the Beast song. Didn’t even know my brain had that in there. It must have dug deep in the filing cabinets to pull that one out. Anyway… I wonder how many times I say “anyway” on this podcast. I need some new transition words. ALAS! Alas, that doesn’t work. In any case… there we go. In any case, Wonderwall… a long, long time ago I went to an Oasis concert at an outdoor arena in Philly, and the only thing I remember about that event is there was a dad with his son next to us. The kid was probably 3 or 4. And I danced with that kid the whole night. The whole night. And I loved it. That’s the whole story. That was it. Nothing else to report. I think it was a good concert? Can’t really tell you. I wonder where that kid is now…

Anyway, that’s it. Anyway! We should start a drinking game every time I say “anyway”. Y’all be in trouble. Ok, that’s the episode. By the way, I referenced Dr. Robert Sapolsky’s research earlier. He has written many books about human biology - and animal biology - if you’re interested in checking him out, I recommend his book “Behave: The Biology of Humans at Our Best and Worst.” Fascinating stuff. 

Remember, be kind to yourself. Show yourself the same grace you show the people you love. And remember, you can do hard things. And, of course, please stay chill.