Eclectic mix & toxicity

Join me for the 6th episode of Positively Chill! Each week we go on a musical journey - exploring impactful lyrics, mental health insights, and strategies for a positive mindset. In this episode, I discuss more of my favorite feel-good songs, including some heavy metal and hip-hop, and how these songs relate to toxicity. Listen to me try to tie in all these themes to music :) Hope you will listen and chill out.

Songs in this episode:
Toxicity by System Of A Down,
Electric Relaxation by A Tribe Called Quest,
Electric Love by Børns

Say hi on Instagram @positively_chill

Transcript

Welcome to the Positively Chill podcast. I’m Danielle. Thank you for joining me. If you are new to Positively Chill, you’re all new because it’s a new podcast - but if you are listening to your first episode, each week I explore impactful lyrics, mental health insights, and strategies for a positive mindset. I hope it helps you unwind and soak up some good vibes. 

Hope all my American listeners had a nice Memorial Day Weekend. Your girl went camping over the holiday weekend and here’s what I figured out. I don’t like camping. I mean it wasn’t terrible but it’s just not for me. I love being outdoors, love running and hiking, skiing. But what I also love is coming back to a cozy bed and all my shit. I guess I haven’t been camping before, proper camping. I have done some RV camping, picked up in Vegas, drove to the Hoover Dam and Grand Canyon and stayed a few days at the GC, then drove back to Vegas. Great trip. Amazing experience. But RV camping isn’t really camping. Although we did have to rough it a little because even though it was summer and hot as hell in Vegas, it was below freezing at night in the GC which we were not prepared for. And funny story about that trip and by funny I meant not very funny… we drove from Vegas to the Hoover Dam to the GC and back to Vegas which is about, over 400 miles total. And one block from the RV drop off location, we got into an accident. One block. Very on brand for me. Who knew the turn radius of an RV is not the same as a car? Not me, clearly. Anyway, camping… it’s just a lot of work. Setting up a campsite, the tent. The tent we had was for 5 adults and it was a beast to set up. But the one cool thing is the park where we went camping was beautiful. It is surrounded by redwood trees. If you get the chance to visit NorCal, go see the redwoods. They are amazing. They have been around for 200M years which is mind blowing that anything in your presence can be that old. It’s hard to even conceptualize that. So yea, go visit if you have the chance. But, camping, I’m just in it for the s’mores.

Anyway, let’s get into this episode’s songs. I have been saying each episode that I want to include songs for everyone, a little somethin’ for everyone. So today, I’m including some heavy metal and hip hop, which is surprising because those are both genres I love. Oh, and, just a reminder that all the songs are in my Spotify playlist. Go to my Instragram (@positively_chill) and the Spotify link is in the bio. That was a lot of steps, I know, it’s a lot. But you can do it. I have faith in you.

Toxicity by System of a Down 

System of a Down is my ultimate amp music. If I am struggling to finish the last mile of my run or the last sets of my weight training or power through the last slide of my work presentation, I put on System of a Down and get this surge of adrenaline? Surge? See what I did there? No, no one sees it. The lead singer of this band is named Serge. Anyway, maybe not adrenaline but dopamine maybe? Not sure what’s surging but it makes me feel sort of invincible, sort of like flying? I don’t know if I am explaining it correctly. But that’s what I love about music. You can feel things that you can’t explain, that you don’t feel at other times in your life, and it’s unique to each person. I am sure for a lot of people, they don’t feel this way about System of a Down. They have their own bands, artists, music that they vibe to and get that soaring feeling from, and that’s the transcendent thing about music. The thing that I love about System of a Down is that they are this amazing blend of heavy metal, alt-rock, Armenian folk music (yes, yes), and amazing lyrics and emotion and aggressive-as-hell drumming, and these dynamic shifts in tempo and intensity. And that just amps me up.

Anyway, this song is from the namesake album, Toxicity, which I do love, but personally, my favorite System of a Down album is Hypnotize. But I picked Toxicity for this episode because it’s such an interesting topic and a word that gets thrown around a lot these days. The beginning of this song is amazing because it starts with a kind of soft guitar sound and then when the drums kick in, damn it’s epic. The balance and juxtaposition of Serg’s vocals - the beauty and also the growling. I just love it.

I had never really thought about the chorus lyrics “sacred silence”  - the lyric is “somewhere between the sacred silence and sleep” - I hadn’t really thought about it until recently. I started doing yoga about a year ago and learned that “sacred silence” is about that place in meditation - a state of deep inner quiet and stillness that is considered sacred or holy. It is a state of profound peace and tranquility where the mind is free from distractions and chatter, allowing for a deeper connection with one's inner self. Sounds great, right? Yea, mediation is so hard, at least for me. But scared silence will always be the goal. And they reference that phrase in multiple songs, this one and Innervision. Anyway, in interviews, Serg has talked about how he finds that “sacred silence” by creating music because it forces a presence which is like a walking meditation, and how he finds that peace and tranquility on stage, which is interesting because he is playing some intense music, screaming some intense lyrics and yet he’s at peace in those moments, which is so cool.

So let’s get into it. Toxicity. It can come in so many different formats. Toxic loyalty, which is extreme, unconditional loyalty - pitying someone to the point of poisoning yourself. Or maybe not pitying but loyalty to a fault, where you are blind to their flaws or negative behaviors. I suppose this happens mostly in romantic relationships, but I personally feel like this also happens in family relationships because we are taught that family is everything, blood is thicker than water, etc - insert another cliche expression here. You know what I mean. And so therefore we may be expected to overlook behaviors of family members because we are supposed to be unconditionally loving to them.

This could also manifest in toxic happiness, which if you’ve ever been on social media, you know what I’m talking about. It’s an unhealthy fixation on positive thinking and pleasant emotions, and suppressing negative emotions, pretending to be happy, or making others feel afraid to express their true feelings. And while toxic positivity is probably well-intentioned, it can lead to feelings of guilt, anxiety, shame, and inadequacy. It can also cause alienation and disconnection, and can make it difficult to be honest with yourself and others.

It can also manifest in toxic games in dating or romantic relationships: playing interest games, playing hot and cold - somewhat to gain power or control over someone else. If someone is playing toxic games with you, that’s the game this person will continue to play. These become the rules of the game and relationship. There is a precedent set. And that’s not to say that people can’t change. Maybe you’ve played some of these games yourself to test interest, test commitment, whatever. But you want to establish the feeling of playing as a team, if you’re playing any games, you want to be a team and have “healthy love.”

And healthy love doesn’t mean “the right person” or your soul mate, necessarily. But healthy love is like being physically healthy. When we choose to be physically healthy, we are foregoing the cake, cookies, pizza – ok, let’s be honest. Don’t forgo any of those things. Pizza is one of the greatest joys of life. Don’t skip it. Just… control it. Moderation is key, right? So, let’s say you’re moderating your food choices, you’re choosing to exercise and be fit. That’s choosing healthy options for your body. Similarly, healthy love is choosing the things that are good for our soul. It doesn’t mean, necessarily, your “soulmate” - which is a beautiful concept but can create unrealistic expectations. If we believe there is a ready-made, out-of-the-box soulmate for us, without flaws or putting in work, that’s going to be hard to find. That puts a lot of pressure on the other person. So this idea of healthy love, like a healthy body, is about healthy habits which lead to a healthy relationship. I said healthy a lot of times in that sentence.

We all know what toxic relationships look like. I am not going to go into all the unhealthy things we do in relationships. Toxicity can be controlling, manipulation, isolation, gaslighting. But what about the more subtle toxicity, like over-reliance on one person. You have one person you go to for all your needs, or vice versa, you’re that person for someone else. Now some of you may be thinking, I do that because my partner is “my person” or my bestie is “my ride or die.” That’s not what I am talking about. I have my people, I have my “ride or dies” but I don’t consider any of those relationships toxic. Being the person that others depend on can be a good feeling, especially in the beginning. Our partner or friend or family member is reliant on us; we provide something to them that they can’t get anywhere else. That’s a confidence boost, an ego boost. 

At some point, you may feel like you’re carrying this person, you’re providing all this emotional and psychological support to another person which can be exhausting. You have your own shit to deal with and then adding another person’s shit on top is a lot. So maybe you pull back and the other person is like “Woah, what happened? What changed?” and they feel like you did them dirty somehow. There was a precedent and a standard set and now you’re changing it. But hey, you are allowed to reset and redefine standards with another person so that you don’t fall into the trap of toxicity. It’s also important because over-dependence on one person - can get taken away (they leave) or we feel like we can’t leave that person, we are stuck or we do actually leave. 

I am certainly not saying that having your person or your ride-or-die is a bad thing. It’s amazing to have support in your life. We all need support in our lives. But where is the balance between healthy and toxic? Also, can you build a team of people? Here is my person I go to for questions/advice on my career, here is my person I go to for questions/advice on my love life, here is my person I go to for questions/advice about spirituality. It doesn’t have to all be the same person. Maybe there is overlap; maybe one person fits into multiple buckets or maybe you have two people in each bucket.

Another form of toxicity - not sure if there is an actual name for this but it’s a form of control - where someone tells you how you’re supposed to be feeling. For example, I once had a guy tell me “you’re more into me than you know now” with the sentiment of “you don’t know what you’re missing.” And it was a passing comment, I don’t think he meant anything by it. We all have shit just falls out of our mouths from time to time; I am definitely guilty of my mouth going before my brain has had time to catch up. So I don’t think any sort of multiplication or blatant toxicity was happening. But I do think that if you’re told how you’re feeling by another person, it can be toxic. Just something to observe. It could be just because this person is trying to demonstrate their worth or value, and maybe it’s based on past experience or past trauma, so I am not saying this is a dealbreaker or red flag or anything like that. Just saying, observe it.

“Electric Relaxation” by A Tribe Called Quest

I frequently sing myself a lyric from this song, and that lyrics is, “relax yourself girl, please settle down.” I say it in my head - or aloud - quite a bit. Just reminding myself to relax yourself, girl. It ain’t that deep. 

A Tribe Called Quest is that group that I listen to when I want some laid-back vibes but also not really chill out, if that makes sense. I like to put them on when I’m cooking or getting ready to go somewhere because they have such a cool, mellow vibe but also gets my blood pumping. I don’t know if that makes sense.

Little history lesson. Gather ‘round class; it’s history lesson time. Hip-hop history time.

A Tribe Called Quest, formed in 1985, is a legendary hip-hop group hailing from Queens, New York, and the original lineup included Q-Tip, Phife Dawg, Ali Shaheed Muhammad, and Jarobi White. And their music was considered a game-changer for the genre, because it had some jazzy beats and social commentary in the lyrics. It was just different; it sounded different than other hip hop at the time. Their album "The Low End Theory," from 1991, is often hailed as one of the greatest hip-hop albums ever, blending smooth jazz with hard-hitting rhymes, at least according to my extensive research, aka XXL Mag. 

The band got back together on November 13, 2004 for the Rock the Bells concert in California. That night was special because it was the same night Ol’ Dirty Bastard died (although he died in NYC). The band started with a 10-minute tribute to the Wu-Tang Clan. Then they went on to perform a 2-hour high-energy show. Check it out on Youtube. I think 2004 was early days camera phone, but it’s amazing there is any footage of it. I haven’t been able to find the whole show, but there are definitely clips on Youtube of that show.

Fun fact: Q-Tip's real name is Jonathan Davis, but he changed it to avoid confusion with the Korn frontman!

“Electric Love”, Børns

I am not sure I am saying that name correctly. It’s B - O with a slash - R - N - S. I didn’t know until recently that O with a slash is part of the Danish and Norwegian alphabets, their 27th letter. But I am not sure if it has a name besides O with a slash through it. That’s what I call it. I am going to Google it. Hold please. Caller, please hold. Ok, so from what I can see, it’s just called “slashed O.” I feel like it needs a name, no? A special little name. Like, cut donut. Half-sies on a donut. I am going to call it half-sies on a donut. Ok, I’m losing you.

Anyway, this song is a love ballad. It’s so sweet and saccharine. The lyrics are, “She’s sweet like candy to my veins. Baby, I’m dying for another taste. And every night my mind is running around her. Thunder’s getting louder and louder. Baby you’re like lightning in a bottle. I can’t let you go now that I found it. And all I need is to be struck by your electric love.” Whew, I read you half the song’s lyrics. But I had to include all of them because they are so sweet. It’s like the beginning of a new relationship or falling in love. Such a crazy, nerve-wracking, amazing feeling to have this urge to be with someone else all the time. Love makes us lose all rational thinking, right?

It reminds me of one of my favorite TV show quotes, from the show Fleabag. I am sure you all are familiar. It’s like being “anyone heard of that little show called Friends?” You guys know Fleabag. Amazing show. Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Olivia Colman are both amazing. By the way, if you’re a Phoebe Waller-Bridge fan, check out the show Crashing. It used to be on Netflix, at least in the US, but not sure if it’s on there anymore. I think there were only 6 episodes, I think, 5 or 6 but she was the writer and main character on that show, and it was so good. I absolutely loved that show. Oh, and Jonathan Bailey from Bridgerton (he played Anthony) is also in it. Anyway, one of my favorite quotes from that show is, “Love isn't something that weak people do. Being a romantic takes a hell of a lot of hope." I always just loved that.

So that’s it. Short episode. Next episode, exciting news, drum-roll please. We will have a guest! Come back and check it out. It is going to be fun. If you like this episode, or any episode, please subscribe and/or leave a review. Or tell a friend, better yet! Tell a stranger. Tell your barista. Tell your dog. Tell someone. But seriously, a friend would be better. 

Remember, be kind to yourself. Show yourself the same grace you show the people you love. And remember, you can do hard things. And, of course, please stay chill.