Dream pop songs, tough conversations & gaining confidence

In this episode, I discuss dealing with tough conversations and how to be more confident, including a hot balloon metaphor. Where am I going with that metaphor?? Tune in and find out :)

Songs in this episode:

July by Noah Cyrus,
Show Me How by Men I Trust,
Confidence by Ocean Alley,

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Transcript

Welcome to positively chill. Thank you for joining me. I’m Danielle. If you’re new to Positively Chill, if this is your first episode, each week I pick a few songs with impactful music lyrics and discuss their relationship to mental health challenges. I hope it helps you discover some new music you wouldn’t normally listen to, gain some insights on mental health challenges and maybe soak up some good vibes.

First off, hope all my US listeners had a good July 4th. I spent the holiday laying on the floor with my dog who is terrified of fireworks and was under the bed. In the area I am visiting, they set off fireworks very close so the sound and vibration is insane, some are less than 100 yards away. And they big! I am not talking about bottle rockets or sparklers here. I am talking about legit Macy’s Day parade fireworks, basically in my backyard. So my poor dog was having a full blown panic attack. And that was her medicated and with a Thunder Vest on. Poor girl. and they set them off for hours - like until 1am - and on multiple days. Here, July 4th is also July 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 5th and 6th. So my poor dog has been a ball of anxiety. And girl, I know the feeling. But the day before, on the 3rd, I went to the Alanis Morrissette concert which was amazing. She’s still got it, still sounds the same, she puts on a great show. It was an amazing show, but it took me an hour to get from the highway exit to the parking lot, so I wasn’t loving that. But, the silver lining, and I do try to always find silver linings in situations where I am tense or frustrated or anxious because it does help keep myself in check - so the silver lining was that I had an hour to listen to music in the car, which I don’t normally do. I don’t commute or drive long distances very often, so it was nice to go through a discovery playlist, and one of the bands I’ll be talking about today is from that hour long drive. So, there’s that, at least.

So, let’s get into it. First song is July by Noah Cyrus. Had to use this song this month, by law. This song is absolutely beautiful, both the vocals and the lyrics. Noah Cyrus - who is the sister of Miley Cyrus - has somewhat of a similar tone to her voice as her sister, but definitely less deep and raspy. Her vocals are very smooth and the harmonies with the background vocals are beautiful. The lyrics I love, are pretty much the whole song, are:

I've been holding my breath

I've  been counting to ten

Over  something you said

I've been holding back tears

While you're throwing back beers

I'm  alone in bed

You  know I, I'm afraid of change

Guess that's why we stay the same

So  tell me to leave

I'll pack my bags, get on the road

Find someone that loves you

Better than I do, darling, I know

'Cause  you remind me every day

I'm not enough, but I still stay

Feels like a lifetime

Just tryna get by

While we're dying inside

I've done a lot of things wrong

Loving you being one

But I can't move on.

Apologies, that was pretty much the whole song. But I couldn’t pick a part of the song that I liked the most. This is one of the songs whose lyrics are like poetry. When I typed out the lyrics and put them in stanza format, it is clear this is just poetry. And also heartbreaking. I especially love the lyric “I’m afraid of change, guess that’s why we stay the same.” That’s such a real feeling. Not sure if it’s worth - or safe - to move on when you’ve been with someone for so long. And sometimes when we’ve been with someone who isn’t right for us - and I don’t mean just romantically but even in a friendship or family relationship, any person can not be good for us - so when we have been in those situations for a long time, it can be so hard to move on. It seems sometimes like the longer we’re in these relationships the harder they are to leave. 

About a year ago, I was starting a new project with a team of new founders, two of them. And it was a really interesting opportunity for me, one outside my wheelhouse and my normal lane, professionally speaking. But it became apparent that within 2 months or so that my involvement with their company wasn’t going to work. And since I had structured this differently than my normal consulting agreements, because it wasn’t really technically a consulting project, I had the freedom to walk away at any moment. And I knew that. I knew from the jump that I could just tell them it wasn’t working and go on my merry way. But for some reason - and maybe it was because I really liked the two founders, as people, as leaders, but I just didn’t agree with them on their vision and path. But maybe because they were nice people and smart and I just enjoyed them as humans, I was more fearful to tell them I wanted to leave. It’s almost as if the situation was horrible, if I was being mistreated, I would have absolutely no second thoughts. And I have been in those situations too and didn’t lose a minute of sleep over ending them. But for some reason I was struggling and stayed on and, as you can imagine, slowly I started to become resentful, which wasn’t their fault, that was my fault. I chose to keep myself in a situation that I didn’t want to be in, I was not speaking up for myself because I didn’t want to hurt their feelings, so instead I chose to stay and then became resentful towards them about it. Which is wild, but happens so often to us. And as soon as I realized that I was feeling resentful, I had to force myself to man-up, or woman-up. I had to woman-up and be a big girl and have the uncomfortable conversation. And it was uncomfortable because it forced me to explain my reasoning - and they hard-pressed me on that - and why I didn’t agree with their vision for their company. But I knew it was the right thing to do for me - and for them too, ultimately, because you don’t want someone, when you’re building a business, on your team who isn’t 100% in and is questioning their involvement. So, it was the right decision for me and it took some real mental gymnastics to prepare for that discussion, but I felt so much better afterwards. And I think that when we settle, when we stay in situations we want to exit, when we excuse bad behavior, it devalues our self worth. We send a message to ourselves that the other person’s feelings are more important than ours. That’s what was happening with me - I was valuing their feelings (not hurting their feelings) over my own. Of course, this can be an important quality - to be emphatic, to be compassionate - but to what end? At what cost? The difference here is that when I told them I was exiting their business, I did it professionally and in a kind way, so if their feelings were hurt, it wasn’t because of some unkindness or me intentionally trying to be hurtful. We were 3 adults having a tough conversation, but everyone was mature, professional and kind. So I can’t worry about their feelings being hurt if I did what I needed to do, for myself, in the best way possible. 

Sometimes these hard conversations are “repair conversations” when something already happened, there was something done or said, and now people are regrouping to “repair.” Hence, “repair conversation.” And those are hard because usually there are some intense emotions happening. I’m not a therapist so I cannot give any advice on how to navigate those conversations, only from my own personal experience. But what I can say is that there needs to be a willingness to come into these “repair conversations” with a clear head on both sides. You cannot repair if you are still angry or frustrated about the original offense. 

So when you’re feeling vulnerable, when you’re in a tough moment, when you’re having an uncomfortable conversation, don’t tap out. Be brave, lean in and be brave. You will get more out of the short-term discomfort than staying in the long-term comfort zone.

Next song is “Show me How” by Men I Trust. This was one of the bands that I discovered while waiting in a gigantic line to get into the Alanis concert. They are a band from Montreal. Side note: I am going to Montreal in September for a long weekend. If any of you are from Montreal or have recommendations of things to do, please let me know. Ok, so Men I Trust are from Montreal and they describe their music as a blend of 'dream pop and indie elements.' And you may be saying, Danielle, what is dream pop? Uh, yea, I didn’t know this was a subgenre of pop. Similar to last week’s episode when I didn’t know about neo-soul. I am learning so much, y’all. Anyway, dream pop is a subgenre of alternative rock and neo-psychedelia that emphasizes atmosphere and sonic texture as much as pop melody. Common characteristics include breathy vocals, dense productions, and effects such as reverb, echo, tremolo, and chorus. It often overlaps with the related genre of shoegaze, and the two genre terms have at times been used interchangeably. What is shoegaze, you ask? Uh, yea, didn’t know what that was either. Shoegaze (originally called shoegazing and sometimes conflated with "dream pop") is a subgenre of indie and alternative rock characterized by its ethereal mixture of obscured vocals, guitar distortion and effects, feedback, and overwhelming volume. It emerged in Ireland and the United Kingdom in the late 1980s among neo-psychedelic groups who usually stood motionless during live performances in a detached, non-confrontational state. The name comes from the heavy use of effects pedals, as the performers were often looking down at their pedals during concerts.  What is neo-psychedelic, you ask? Yep, didn’t know that one either. Look us, look at us learning so much. Neo-psychedelia is a diverse genre of psychedelic music that draws inspiration from the sounds of 1960s psychedelia, either updating or copying the approaches from that era. Originating in the 1970s, it has occasionally seen mainstream pop success but is typically explored within the alternative rock scene. It initially developed as an outgrowth of the British post-punk scene, where it was also known as acid punk. After post-punk, neo-psychedelia flourished into a more widespread and international movement of artists who applied the spirit of psychedelic rock to new sounds and techniques. So, I think that’s enough music learning for one day. Thank you, Wikipedia, for all you do. 

Anyway, the lyrics I like are, “show me how you cared. Tell me how you loved before. Show me how you smile. Show me why your hands are cold.” Not sure if that last part was meant to be funny, but it was funny to me. I don’t personally suffer from girl-cold-hand-syndrome - that’s what it’s called, right? That’s the medical term, no doubt, right? Anyway, lots of ladies have cold hands all the damn time. I do not. Maybe I run hot? I don’t think that’s it either. But I just don’t have cold hands all the time. Anyway, when I heard that line it made me chuckle. Nothing really related to mental health on this one. The lyrics are pretty simple, but I am really digging this song so wanted to include it. 

If you don’t know Men I Trust, another song of theirs that I love is Lauren. Check them out. And holler at me with Montreal rec’s please.

Last song is Confidence by Ocean Alley. First off, I am not sure how I found this song. At some point I added it to one of my playlists - as I usually do, add a ton of songs and never remember how I found them. Anyway, I have been listening to the “sped up” version. If you are searching for this song in whatever music platform you use, search for the “sped up” version. So because it’s sped up, it changes the vocals, and I have always thought - for however I’ve been listening to this song which may be years at this point - I always thought the lead singer was a woman. And then I Google’d them and lo and behold, the band is a bunch of dudes. Australian dudes. It blew my mind. Not sure why I was so shook by it, but it made me question my sanity for a second. Like, who’s real anymore? What is gender? What is the meaning of life? Lots of questions in that one second. But because the vocals were sped up, the pitch went up. And then I was over it and watched a bunch of their concerts on Youtube and they seem hella fun. Definitely loving their surfer boy vibes. They don’t look like surfers necessarily, but I just get that vibe. Maybe it’s the Australian thing. What a generalization I just made - all Australians are surfers. Wow, ok let’s move on. Wait, ok I just looked at their photos again and they do look like surfers. So there. Don’t know who that was meant for. Anyway, the song is about a confident woman. The lyrics are:

She was a confident lady

And I know she's driving me crazy

I know she'd probably hate me

I think she knows, and I think she knows

She's making me nervous, she's making me nervous

I think she knows, and I think she knows

She's out of my league

Is there anything better than when you’re just feeling yourself? You feel good, you think you look good, you are just feeling yourself. It’s the best. I wish there was a way to recreate that or bottle that feeling because when it’s the opposite, it just sucks. We’ve all been there, and I don’t really know how we overcome physical insecurities. That’s probably a whole episode in and of itself. But for confidence in other areas of our lives, it’s so easy to get fixated on the negative and the failures. Negative bias is the human tendency not only to register negative stimuli more readily but also to dwell on these events. We may do something well 10 times but if we fail 1 time, that’s what we remember. From an evolutionary perspective, our ancestors needed to pay more attention to threats and dangers in their environment to survive. Being aware of predators or hazardous conditions increased chances of survival and reproduction. Because we fixate on the negative, our confidence is affected. While in reality we are doing something well or are being perceived by someone positively, we generally only remember the negative and then believe that we aren’t succeeding. But becoming more confident can be challenging, exactly for the reason of negativity bias. So one way to try to address this, or frame it, think about it differently is, can I learn to be more confident or can I unlearn insecurities? Can I become more confident or less insecure? If you think about it like a scale with confidence on one side and insecurity on the other, adding less to the insecure side will lift the confident side. Or another metaphor, I heard this recently and really liked it, it’s the metaphor of a hot air balloon. If you want to go higher, you have to keep adding air over and over to get higher, using a lot of energy and resources OR you can toss the ballast overboard that is dragging you down and the reduction in weight will help the balloon rise. So maybe it’s not about trying to focus on the times when you’re doing things well or right, but rather focus less on the times when you’re not. This is definitely easier said than done, but try to make a mental note when you’re doing a task or a project or in a situation where you normally might not feel so confident - or maybe it’s around a certain person, like a first date or a job interview - and make a mental note when you are positively received. Like, an intentional flag in your mind, maybe even use a mantra word or something to make it stand out when it happens. And if you are doing reps of this work or interaction, over time those flags will add up and hopefully stand out more than the negative reminders you give yourself of failure or rejection.

Like the previous episodes, I’d like to end with an affirmation. If it feels good to repeat the affirmation aloud - if that’s part of your journey - then do so, otherwise please just listen. The affirmation will be at the end.

You are never asking for too much. You are simply asking the wrong person. Your needs, desires, and expectations are valid, and you deserve to be with people who understand and respect them. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty or unreasonable for wanting what you need to feel valued and happy. The right people will meet your standards with joy and appreciation, not resistance or excuses. Trust that there are individuals who will see your worth and rise to meet your expectations. Keep your standards high and never settle for less than what you deserve. You have the power to choose relationships that uplift and support you, where your needs are honored and met with genuine care.

The affirmation is: “I have the power to choose relationships that uplift and support me, where my needs are honored and met with genuine care.”

That’s it. That’s the episode. If you liked this episode or any episode, please subscribe, rate and/or review. Please and thank you. If you’d like to connect with me, send me a note on IG at @positively_chill - I’d love to hear from you.

Remember, be kind to yourself. Show yourself the same grace you show the people you love. And remember, you can do hard things. And, of course, please stay chill.