Adele, Heartbreak & Negative Memories

The queen of love & heartbreak, the musical goddess, Adele! I also discuss the science behind negative memories, why tacos are the best and lucha libre wrestling costumes. How do any of these things relate? Tune in and find out :)

Songs from this episode:
Easy On Me by Adele,
Someone Like You by Adele,
When We Were Young by Adele

Say hi on Instagram @positively_chill

Transcript

Thank you for joining me. I’m Danielle. If you’re new to Positively Chill, if this is your first episode, each week I pick a few songs with impactful music lyrics and discuss their relationship to mental health challenges. I hope it helps you discover some new music you wouldn’t normally listen to, gain some insights on mental health challenges and maybe soak up some good vibes.

For those who are new, I should mention, I talk a lot about the science behind mental health issues like anxiety, insecurity, coping strategies, negative self-talk, etc. that are not necessarily diagnoses. They can be associated with a disorder but not necessarily. But I don’t discuss mental health disorders, like bipolar or schizophrenia, because I am not a mental health professional, as y’all know. I like to talk about the science behind it all, what’s happening psychologically, what’s happening physiologically, what’s happening with your neurotransmitters, because I am a nerd and it interests me and I find it all fascinating. The thing that I find so interesting is that all of these things happen to everyone because we are all humans. When we become fearful, the same thing in our mind and body happens to every single person. When we become anxious, the same thing happens to every single person. Cortisone spikes. But how we deal with it is different for each person. The level of intensity is different for every person. But everyone is getting a cortisone spike when they are scared or anxious or stressed. And I find it interesting that the way we address the initial feeling can change the outcome even though we’re experiencing the same thing in our bodies. If you don’t find it interesting, at the very least, knowing what’s happening internally can help with mindfulness and self-awareness, so that when these things are happening, like a high-stress moment, remembering what is happening to our body, like “I am super stressed. My cortisone is probably really high. My frontal cortex is going offline and that’s my decision-making, problem-solving part of my brain.” Just being aware and bringing attention to that can help with mindfulness. It’s a human response and not a ‘me’ response. Being aware and identifying - as things are happening - is very important because it can 1) potentially help you stop. Let’s say you’re having a moment of negative self-talk and you catch yourself and say “woah, this is something that normally triggers me (let’s say it’s receiving criticism). So, this is something that normally triggers me into negative self-talk. I’m about to lay into myself and now I am spiraling. Here I go.” Being able to identify that the trigger happened and caused you to feel a different way, you may be able to catch yourself. Last week, I talked about trigger mapping for anxiety - go back if you haven’t listened. Say to yourself, “when I hear you say unproductive things, I’m going to call your attention to them and challenge them.” Thoughts create emotions so when we think negatively, we become negative. So unless you’re a trauma surgeon or a Navy Seal or someone is trained to control your neurotransmitters - like a cortisone spike in a high-stress moment - you will have these normal human responses and then pull out your toolbox and get to work. So, for us normal folk who are not Navy Seals or professional athletes, we may not be able to train ourselves to control it, but we can train ourselves in the ways to calm ourselves, ground ourselves. But the first step is going to be the self-awareness. So, anyway, I explain this because I do talk about the science behind mental health - not as a mental health professional, but just your friendly podcaster.

So let’s get on with it. Wait, first, I want to just say one more random thing. I talked about Chappell Roan in a previous episode and how much I love her and how she’s my new hero. If you haven't seen the videos of her from Lollapoolza last weekend, go check them out. She came out in a wrestlers’ costume. That sounds kind of weird. It wasn’t like a WWE outfit. It was a lucha libre wrestling costume - like the ones worn by Mexican wrestlers. Anyway her costume was ::chefskiss:: but what you should check out is the video of her singing Hot To Go and the entire crowd singing and dancing along. They pan back so you can see the entire crowd and the Chicago skyline and it was amazing. I can’t imagine having that many people - 70,000 people - singing your song. And it made me so happy because everyone was being silly and doing the Hot To Go dance and just having fun. And that’s how it should be. 

As I mentioned last week, it’s an Adele themed episode. Adele! The legend, the GOAT, Adele. Her music is like a warm bath. It’s like a snuggie. It’s like your favorite weighted blanket. Have y’all seen they have weighted sleep masks now? Not sure how that works if you’re a side sleeper, but… anyway, I digress. Besides her deep, profound lyrics, her voice is angelic. It’s so full and soulful and powerful and velvety and layered. It’s all the things. Buckle up for some love songs.  

By the way, I was doing some research on her and if you google her name, one of the first things that comes up is, “Why does Adele make me cry?” I love that. As if Google will tell you why you’re so emotional and connect to music. One of my favorite things to do is type in a word and see what the popular search results are. Like, if you type in “who would win in a fight” one of the first results is “batman vs. spiderman” which is a great question. One that I don’t feel like I am qualified to answer. One of the other results is “who would win in a fight between a taco and grilled cheese” and the obvious, correct answer is taco. Don’t come at me. I will hear no other reasoning at this time. Tacos are the best. I would common-law marry a taco if I could. So many options, so many toppings. Breakfast tacos, lunch tacos, dinner tacos, midnight snack tacos. Taco trucks. Taco Bell. Taco Tuesday. Taco-eating contests. That’s probably only an American thing. We are good at food-eating contests. Do I dare say a bao bun is basically a taco? Ok, I have done it. I’ve gone too far. Anyway, the correct answer is taco. Wow, I have really veered off course with this. Back to Adele. Why does she make us cry? She just gets us, right? 

First song, Easy of Me from her 30 album. Each one of her albums is named after her age when she releases it, which I think is so clever. I love this song, it’s one of those that I know every word to and yet never really considered the meaning. I thought this song was about her asking someone in a new relationship to take it easy on her, to not break her heart. And then I went back and listened to the lyrics and was like “hold up, that’s not what this is about” but it wasn’t clear to me. I will tell you what this song is about but first, here are the lyrics I like:

“There ain't no room for things to change

When we are both so deeply stuck in our ways

You can't deny how hard I've tried

I changed who I was to put you both first

But now I give up

I had good intentions

And the highest hopes

But I know right now

It probably doesn't even show”

So deeply personal. It’s a song about her divorce, and she wrote it for her son. She said in an interview about her son, "I wanted to explain to him through this record, when he's in his 20s or 30s, who I am and why I voluntarily chose to dismantle his entire life in the pursuit of my own happiness. It made him really unhappy sometimes. And that's a real wound for me that I don't know if I'll ever be able to heal." I think she speaks for any person who has gone through a divorce with children. It’s a wound that is hard to heal. I love her vulnerability to talk about her failures - well, in her mind it’s a failure, but we know it is not. Any relationship ending can feel like a failure even though it’s not. And it’s so hard when we hurt to comfort others, to offer understanding and kindness to the other person. But in moments of heartache, empathy transcends our own struggles. Sometimes the best thing to say to someone else is the thing that you need to hear most. That’s true in all situations really, not just in heartbreak. Offering kindness to others doesn’t cost a thing and can drastically change a person’s day or even life. But in moments of conflict, can we put aside our hurt and the pain for a minute and dig deep and offer some kindness by saying the exact thing we need to hear? Like, it’s not your fault. You didn’t fail. You did your best. Easier said than done, right?  

One more note about this song, if you want your socks rocked, listen to the duet she does on this song with Chris Stapleton. I am not really a country fan, although I used to be back in college but that was only because someone I was dating was a country fan. Anyway, I adore the sound of his voice. It’s like butter - like spicy, whiskey butter. That’s not a thing but that’s all I got. I don’t think you could combine two more perfect, soulful voices in one song. But they did. They went and did it. There is this amazing build-up in their duet. Chris is holding back a bit in the song - he doesn’t unleash his normal power until the end. But then he does in the last chorus and damn, it’s so, so good. It is probably one of my favorite duets ever.

Next song is Someone Like You from her 21 album. This song has almost 3 billion streams on Youtube Music and almost 2 billion on Spotify. That’s insane. People be lovin’ this song. This isn’t even her most streamed song on Youtube Music. Hello and Rolling the Deep beat this out. I can totally see how people play this song on repeat. I imagine this is the song people listen to after a break-up. For me, I remember many, many years ago, I played the song “White Flag” by Dido on repeat after a break-up. And the Fiona Apple album, Tidal, was on repeat. I would lay in my bed in the dark and just listen to the entire album over and over. I haven’t heard her music in a while. I wonder if I listened to it now if I would have a visceral experience, transported back to my bed. Hmm, maybe I will try it. Not right now. Let’s get back to it. I am off track again. 

So, this song is about seeing your ex, seeing that person with someone else, knowing they’ve moved on, but you haven’t. The lyrics I like are:

“I heard that you're settled down

That you found a girl and you're married now

I heard that your dreams came true

Guess she gave you things, I didn't give to you”

In an interview, she said she wrote this song, “because I was exhausted from being such a bitch, with 'Rolling in the Deep' or 'Rumour Has It' ... I was really emotionally drained from the way I was portraying him, because even though I'm very bitter and regret some parts of it, he's still the most important person that's ever been in my life, and 'Someone like You,' I had to write it to feel OK with myself and OK with the two years I spent with him. And when I did it, I felt so freed." What a gift it must be to be a musician - or any artist - and be able to channel emotion - and free emotion - through your art. And she does it in such a beautiful way. I imagine if I was an artist and dealing with heartbreak, it would be so messy and chaotic and, instead of emerging this amazing lioness like Adele - like a high priestess - I’d emerge like a troll who just woke up from hibernation. Do trolls hibernate? I love that I am asking about the sleep cycles of a fictional being. I don’t know. You get it. I will get back on track, I promise you. Stay with me. Don’t you go dyin’ on me. Gold star if you know that movie quote. I will mail you a gold star. I’m off track again!

• Adele said, "It's my most articulate song. It's just to the point, it's not trying to be clever, I think that's why I like it so much, because it's just so honest, no glitter on it."

I have talked about coping strategies and resilience in previous episodes, but I felt like when talking about heartbreak, I am almost required to talk about it again. To refresh your memory if you listened to that episode and for those who already listened, there are two types of coping strategies. Adaptive coping is when we deal with stress through optimism, solutions-based actions, creativity, flexibility (changing our expectations to better fit the situation), reaching out for support, regulating stress-related emotions, taking actions to reduce stress (breathing, movement, mediation). Maladaptive coping is when we deal with stress through temporary relief, e.g. booze, drugs, sex, numbing, excessive daydreaming, risk-taking behavior, self-harm, avoidance, but don’t address the root of the issue. Probably laying in bed all day listening to Fiona Apple would be classified as maladaptive coping, if I had to wager. I think it’s ok to do both in some situations. Have your cry, wallow in your bed and then get those adaptive coping strategies to kick in. 

Remembering heartbreak, even if it happened a long time ago, can be triggered. I said before that I should go back and relisten to that Dido song that I had on repeat, and now I’m thinking “nah, nevermind.” Because music does transport us back into those moments. And studies have shown that negative memories tend to be more vivid, and negative emotion can make memories easier to retrieve, more easily re-experienced.

From a scientific perspective - you know your girl wasn’t gonna go a whole episode without talking the science! Attaching a negative emotion to a person or event, meaning every time you think of that person or event, it triggers your sympathetic nervous system and makes you suffer again. When recalling a negative emotion or memory, specific neurotransmitters, specifically neurotensin, is responsible for associating either positive or negative emotions with memories. Here’s how it works: During learning, our brain assigns what is called “valence” (aka positive or negative feelings) to experiences. The basolateral amygdala (stay with me folks!), which are a group of neurons, helps with this process. Neurotensin, produced by cells associated with valence processing, influences whether we remember an emotion or memory as good or bad. Interestingly, the brain’s default state tends to have a bias toward fear, but neurotensin helps balance this by activating neurons associated with positive valence. So, for those of you who zoned out, it’s cool, I’m not offended. But if you zoned out, the gist is that negative emotions, say like heartbreak, are cemented in our brain and retriggering that, say with music, can have the same effect on the body as the initial event. Science is cool!

Last song, When We Were Young from her 25 album. 

The lyrics I love are:

“Everybody loves the things you do

From the way you talk

To the way you move

Everybody here is watching you

'Cause you feel like home

You're like a dream come true”

In an interview, she said, “It was based on us being older, and being at a party at this house, and seeing everyone that you've ever fallen out with, everyone that you've ever loved, everyone that you've never loved, and stuff like that, where you can't find the time to be in each other lives. And you're all thrown together at this party when you're like 50, and it doesn't matter and you have so much fun and you feel like you're 15 again. So that's the vibe of it really." I can’t say I can relate to this feeling, but I recently was with someone who I haven’t seen in a few years, and we were sitting in the backyard at night, just talking about everything and nothing. Like, one of those conversations where you are in the flow and forget how long you’ve been talking. And I wouldn’t say - to go back to the lyrics - it “felt like home” but it sort of did in a way. Like it was so comfortable. There is a word in Arabic called “samar” and it means "evening conversation" or “night talk”, and refers to when friends visit each other during the evening to escape the morning heat and sit around in conversation. Like a kiki. I don’t think people use that term anymore. But I love that there is a word in Arabic that is so specific to a moment, almost a feeling.

Last thing on this song. You may remember during the pandemic lockdown, back in 2020, a guy named Sam Ryder became really popular on TikTok and Instagram for his song covers. He has long blonde hair and a beard, and he doesn’t look like he should be able to belt out Adele and Whitney Houston, but man, can he sing. He did a cover of this song which was quite impressive. I’m sure you can find it on Youtube if you don’t have social media. I think Adele even did a reaction video to his cover. Oh, I just remembered that the first cover I saw of his was “What’s Going On” by Four Non-Blondes which is one of my go-to karaoke songs. Not sure why that just popped into my head. I am going to have to go back and watch that again. Anyway, Sam Ryder, TikTok or Instagram or Youtube. Check him out. He’s impressive. 

It was tough to pick only three songs. I mean, I could have picked however many I wanted. These are my own rules, my own limitations I’ve put on myself. No rules for my own podcast, but here we are. I only picked three, but honorable mentions are All I Ask and I Drink Wine. 

Like in the previous episodes, I’d like to end with an affirmation. If it feels good to repeat the affirmation aloud - if that’s part of your journey - then do so, otherwise please just listen. The affirmation will be at the end.

You are more than enough, just as I am. Release the need for perfection, accepting yourself wholly and completely. You are deserving of love, respect, and kindness, starting from within. Your worth is not determined by external validations but by your inherent value as a person. You are good enough, not because of what you do or achieve, but simply because you are you.

The affirmation is: I am good enough, not because of what I do or achieve, but simply because I am me. 

That’s it. That’s the episode. If you liked this episode or any episode, please subscribe, rate and/or review. Please and thank you. If you’d like to connect with me, send me a note on IG at @positively_chill. I’d love to hear from you.

Remember, be kind to yourself. Show yourself the same grace you show the people you love. And remember, you can do hard things. And, of course, please stay chill.