90s R&B and The Window of Tolerance

90s R&B, the best genre of all time. In this episode, I discuss some of my favorite 90s R&B lyrics, authenticity and something called The Window of Tolerance, which is our sweet spot for dealing with intense emotions and stress. Plus some strategies for hitting that sweet spot, which can help combat anger, panic, irritability, anxiety, fight-or-flight instincts and disconnection. And this episode made me realize I don't know how to spell authenticity. Cool, right? 

Songs in this episode:
Poison by Bell Biv DeVoe,
No Diggity by Blackstreet,
Too Close by Next,

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Transcript

Welcome to Positively Chill. Thank you for joining me. I’m Danielle. If you’re new to Positively Chill, if this is your first episode, each week I pick a few songs with impactful music lyrics and discuss their relationship to mental health challenges. I hope it helps you discover some new music you wouldn’t normally listen to, gain some insights on mental health challenges and maybe chill out.

This week’s episode is 90s R&B themed. I went down a serious rabbit hole on this one. Keith Sweat, En Vogue, K-Ci & JoJo, D’Angelo, Mark Morrison, Brian McKnight. So, so many amazing artists and songs. Remember Tyrese? What ever happened to him? I am going to spend some time on Wikipedia after this recording. TLC! Brandy! Am I shouting? I feel like I’m shouting. I’m just excited about it, but, truthfully, it was a bit of struggle finding lyrics to talk about because all 90s R&B songs are pretty much the same. They are either about finding love - like girrrrl, I saw you across the room and I’m gonna make you mine, being in love - like girrrl, come back to my house and get freaky, or heartbreak - like girrrrl, you are walking away and I’m gonna miss you. They are pretty much all the same, so it was a little challenging. But I’ll do my best!

First song, Poison by Bell Biv DeVoe. When I think of 90s R&B this song immediately comes to mind. And it has one of the funniest lyrics of all time, which is “Never trust a big butt and smile.” So simple, so eloquent, so true. I bet that that lyric became some people’s entire personality in 1990. I bet that lyric was on t-shirts. 

Bell Biv DeVoe were ex-New Edition members, Ricky Bell, Michael Bivins and Ronnie DeVoe. This was their first single, and it was written by and produced by Elliott Straite, who goes by "Dr. Freeze" - great nickname - who also wrote Color Me Badd’s hit "I Wanna Sex You Up." So all that’s to say, that man knows how to write ‘em. 

Some facts about this song. At the end of this song, the guys give shout-outs to their pals from New Edition: Bobby Brown, Ralph-T and Johnny G. They stayed on good terms, and the group would reunite from time to time in the ensuing years. Also, the music video was directed by Lionel C. Martin, who also directed the video for Boyz II Men's "Motownphilly." Amazing song. Great 90s song. Boyz II Men will always remind me of middle school dances which were the most excruciating thing ever. I wonder what middle school dances are like now. I hope that children nowadays have to experience the hell that is interacting with the opposite sex when you’re 12. Horrific. I bet kids these days just DM or text each other before the dance and just bypass the whole thing. Kids these days are soft. Ok, I’m off on a tangent. I sound like the grumpy old lady down the street who is always complaining about the squirrels plotting a coup or her neighbors Christmas lights being too bright.  

Next song is No Diggity by Blackstreet. Featured on this song are Dr. Dre, Teddy Riley and Queen Pen. Just a classic. Classic 90s song. Ok, so here are some fun facts about this song. It won the 1997 Grammy for Best R & B Performance by a Duo or Group with Vocals. The acoustic guitar riff was taken from the Bill Withers song "Grandma's Hands." The music video was directed by Hype Williams, who also directed the video for Montell Jordan’s “This Is How We Do It” - another banger from the 90s. 

The lyrics I like are: “Ask the peoples on my block, I'm as real as can be. Word is bond, faking moves has never been my thing.” Being authentic can be so tricky. Do our internal thoughts and desires align with our outward actions? What do we express to others vs. how do we feel inside? That’s known as behavioral congruence, when those things align. So, that’s the clinical term, I suppose, for authenticity. I like the lyrics because it’s like a declaration that they won’t play games or pretend to be something they’re not, which is super important in a world where it’s easy to feel pressured to put on a mask. We wear a mask sometimes to protect ourselves. Vulnerability can be terrifying, right? So we wear a mask to protect ourselves but it can also be tiring to keep it on all the time. It may help us handle stress or emotions, but it can also contribute to stress, having to keep up a facade or keep track of all the “fake moves” as the song says. Conversely, when we start pretending, it can push us out of our comfort zone, leading to anxiety or feeling stuck. So, being real helps us connect better with others but also keeps us emotionally grounded. It’s such an interesting push and pull, ying and yang. How do we balance and find a sweet spot? 

It’s time for this episode’s science lesson. Strap in. So, there is something called The Window of Tolerance, which is the concept that everyone has a range of intensities of emotional experience which they can comfortably experience, process, and integrate. This is their ‘window of tolerance’ or zone of ‘optimum arousal’ - not that kind of arousal, you saucy little listeners. Window of tolerance is sort of that perfect sweet spot. Like Goldilocks & The Three Bears. Can we talk about how unhinged that story is for a minute? A child breaks into a bears’ home, goes rifling through all their stuff, sleeping in their beds, eating their food. And we’re supposed to accept this as normal behavior? That’s breaking and entering, Goldie. Anyway, it’s sort of like that though. Porridge that is not too hot or too cold. So, everyone’s window of tolerance is different. Some people’s window of tolerance is relatively wide: they can feel comfortable despite high stress and/or a broad range of emotions (from pleasant emotions such as excitement and happiness, to unpleasant emotions such as guilt or anger). The optimal zone is characterized by a sense of groundedness… is that a word? Maybe. Maybe not. Who's to say? A feeling of being grounded? That sounds better. So, feeling grounded, feelings of flexibility, openness, curiosity, presence, an ability to be emotionally regulated, and a capacity to tolerate life’s stressors. Hyperarousal is an emotional state characterized by high energy, anger, panic, irritability, anxiety, hypervigilance, overwhelm, chaos, fight-or-flight instincts, and startle response (to name just a few characteristics). Hypoarousal, by contrast, is an emotional state characterized by shutting down, numbness, depressiveness, withdrawal, shame, flat affect, and disconnection (to name but a few characteristics). 

So you know I love a good science lesson. I love to understand how our brains and bodies work. So here we go with today’s lesson. When we’re within our optimal window, our prefrontal cortex is firing, and our executive functioning skills are also firing. These skills include organizing, planning, and prioritizing complex tasks, but it also includes starting actions and projects and staying focused on them to completion. I don’t know about you, but that can be a real struggle, especially with all the modern distractions of phones, social media, etc etc. It also includes regulating emotions and practicing self-control. So, all to say, executive functioning is hella important. Having access to our executive functions allows us to work, be in relationships, and problem-solve.

So now we know that being in this window of tolerance is pretty important because it is when proper executive functioning happens. So, how do we get into this zone? How do we find that sweet spot? Wouldn’t it be nice with all things related to mental health if we could just flip a switch and turn things on or off? A girl can dream, right? Here are some ways

• Providing our body with supportive self-care: getting enough sleep & exercise, having a balanced diet, refraining from substances that erode our health. I feel like this is the broken record of advice, right? We are constantly hearing about how important sleep and exercise and diet are, so I won’t spend too much time here. We all know what we need to do.
• Providing our minds with supportive experiences. This may include adequate amounts of stimulation, adequate amounts of focus and engagement, adequate amounts of rest, and spaciousness and play. I think this last part is so important. Giving ourselves time to play. Remember how exciting recess was when we were kids? I mean, I used to live for it. It was the only thing that got me through the school day. I was a badass kickball player, just a side note, in case you were wondering what my schoolyard game of choice was. We don’t give ourselves, as adults, time to play anymore. And I don’t mean kickball, unless that is your thing. I used to play in an adult, co-ed kickball league when I first graduated college. I remember during the pandemic a lot of adults go back into building legos which is a great way to focus, engage and use fine motor skills.
• Providing ourselves with supportive experiences of being in a connected relationship, or being connected to something bigger than ourselves. This could be spirituality but can also be nature. Or maybe neither of those things make you feel good. Maybe it’s just feeling like you're a part of bigger than yourself in your community.
• Tending to our physical environment to set ourselves up for success: Living and working in places that reduce stressors instead of increasing them; designing the external environments of our lives to be as nourishing (and not depleting) as possible. So you may say, well I can’t just up & move somewhere that reduces my stress. I live in a major city and it’s stressful. Yea, I get it. But I am not referring necessarily to the city, but rather just your living space. Making your home or room, if you share a home, cozy and inviting and clutter-free. There is a subreddit that I like called r/CozyPlaces and it’s so soothing to see these cozy little rooms. Although now that I am saying it, a lot of them are cluttered, so… scratch that. Well, check it out anyway, but don’t follow their lead. Because there are many studies that show living in a cluttered space can increase anxiety, reduce sleep quality and actually make it harder to emphasize with others in their homes/spaces. The reason is, at least what the studies have shown, is that clutter can lead to cognitive overload, as the brain struggles to prioritize attention amidst distractions. Order helps reduce the competition for our attention and reduces mental load. One study from 2009 even found that women living in cluttered and stressful homes had higher levels of cortisol and heightened depression symptoms. Another study from 2016 showed that clutter actually affected snacking. The study had women with cluttered kitchens participate and they found that participants in the chaotic kitchen condition consumed more cookies than did participants who were not by almost 3x calories. Wild, right? So anyway, I bring this up as food for thought… no pun intended.  

The second part of the work is how we practice resiliency and rebound when we find ourselves in hyper- or hypo-arousal zones. We do this work by developing practices, habits, tools, and internalized and externalized resources that help soothe, regulate, redirect, and ground ourselves. I talked a bit about resilience in ep9, so go back and listen if you’re interested. 

Last song, Too Close by Next. This is my 90s R&B jam. This is the song I always think of in this period of music. The lyrics are explicit, if you know you know. So I’m not going to pick out any lyrics from this song. It’s just a good song. That’s it. I am starting to see a trend in my song choses that my last pick is always sort of a throw-away in terms of the lyrics but is a banger. So maybe that’s the structure from now on. End on a high note with a song with nonsense or explicit lyrics. Hmm, we’ll see.

Like in previous episodes, I’d like to end with an affirmation. If you’d like to repeat the affirmation, it will be at the end. 

The world doesn’t need you to be perfect; it needs you to be genuine. Perfection is an illusion, an unattainable goal that can lead to unnecessary stress and self-doubt. Remember, your mistakes and setbacks are not failures but opportunities for growth and learning. By being real and vulnerable, you inspire others to do the same, creating a more compassionate and understanding world. Celebrate your journey and progress, knowing that who you are is enough. You don’t have to be flawless for the world to embrace your contributions.

The affirmation is: Who I am is enough. I don’t have to be flawless for the world to embrace me. 

That’s it. That’s the episode. If you liked this episode or any episode, please subscribe, rate and/or review. Please and thank you. If you’d like to connect with me, send me a note on IG at @positively_chill. I’d love to hear from you.

Remember, be kind to yourself. Show yourself the same grace you show the people you love. And remember, you can do hard things. And, of course, please stay chill.